Goodbyes

It's the end of my spring semester.

Things are drawing to a close and I'm not the first to leave anymore. In a sense it's actually worse, because I have to watch all the people I love most in my life at school leave while everything for me just stays the same. Good-byes are never easy. They are consistently painful.

When I look back over this semester, I realize that there is so much that has changed. I've lost a lot of friends and I've grown up in a lot of ways.

And the hardest parts of good-byes are always telling your best friends "See you in August" when it's only the beginning of May.

It's nearly impossible to say goodbye to the people that you see everyday, to the people that bring you through the most difficult times in your lives.

This semester, this year, sucked in a lot of ways. And yet, there was one person who literally dealt with everything, picked up the pieces when I was sure nothing was left. And it breaks my heart that I wont get to see her until August.

Jess, you're my bestest friend here and I love you very much. I don't know what I'm going to do without your constant torture and offensiveness, I don't know who is going to kick (or at least threaten to kick) people's asses for me, I dont know who's going to hate the same people I hate. It's going to suck not seeing you everyday.

Here's to August.

I only have a bit of time until I'm supposed to be at dinner. But all i want to do right now is spend that night in my room with my phone shut off. With the boy not having any service, I know im not going to be hearing from him, which is typically my stress relief. But I am just so bogged down by everyone who needs needs needs.

Which sounds ridiculously selfish.

But its a very tiring existence when people just keep dumping all of their issues on you, as though there was nothing good happening in their life. I mean clearly life must be better than what you're saying. All the time. If you have shitty friends its time to get new ones.

I love helping people out with their problems, but if your problem is constantly that your friends suck STOP HANGING OUT WITH THEM.

Really, it's going to make your life like a million times better.

On that same vein-

STOP COMPLAINING that we never see each other if you're never around!!! Like really, why haven't you seen anyone this week? Because you're NOT around. And when I ask you if you want to do something you blow me off. You're hanging out with your other friends, which is TOTALLY fine by me, but dont freaking complain that you haven't see anyone all week because that my friend is your own fault. And you coming to my room for five seconds is not going to fix that.

Also, I'm pretty sure I'm just in a mood.

UGH.

It's been entirely too long

It's been wayyy too long since I've written. Normally when I sit down to blog its because I have something particular in mind to talk about, but in this moment I'm still recovering from many hours of reading applications so I'm pretty sure this post won't be cohesive.

There have been a whole lot of things that have happened in life since I last posted, and in a lot of ways I couldn't even express the magnitude of what's been going on. Life is funny in a way that when one part of your life starts falling apart, another part of your life starts dramatically looking up. In the past, I've only ever written when I've been upset or made some major life decision or had some major life revelation. In truth though, as much as parts of my life are sucking, things are really quite good right now.

At the end of last year I watched my best friend walk out of my life, and watched another person become a presence in my life that I didn't even know that I needed. While I'm still trying to deal with all the residual emotions of the end of last year, I'm starting to fall back in love. Back in love with my studies, back in love with my work, back in love with myself.

I'm happy.

Today in class, my professor (who is also my advisor) and I were talking about my courses for this semester, and I looked at him and said "Yeah I think this is the first semester I'm actually in love with ALL my classes"

A few weeks ago, I decided that I really wasn't a religion and psychology major, but in fact was just a religion major. Coming to terms with this (overachiever that I obviously am) took a lot of discernment and understanding of myself. But in all seriousness, I've never been happier with my course studies.

I got offered a research assistant position for next year which was a huge factor in me deciding not to go abroad (a point which my boyfriend tries to get me to rethink when I bring it up). I'm exciting to be working with this professor on a lot of things that pertain directly to the rest of my life. I'll have time as I get older to travel abroad, and hopefully write my book based on that research (look at me overachieving again).

I've been listening to a lot of my old school music lately which is quite weird for me, yet its also illuminating for me.

I have also decided to start blogging about religion. . .

And this is the end of this RAMBLE RAMBLE RAMBLE

<3

e.e. cummings

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we'll leave it far and far away—
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

e.e. cummings

3 years.

It's weird sometimes to look back on our past and realize how far we've come.

And at other times, you look back into your past and you really wish you hadn't.

Yesterday marked the third year anniversary of my friend's death. In three years I've grown into a completely different person than I was when he knew me. The person I am now? He would have loved me even more than he did. In the last three years I've come to see that I regret even more than I thought I did. I regret not being able to say good-bye, regret not being there more, I regret not making more of an effort.

There's so many unanswered questions.



But then again. . .

The past is not something we should be dwelling on, nor is it something we can change.

It's about moving on.

Here I am. Three years later.

I've moved on.

But I will never ever forget. Our memories are burned into my mind, and I will look back on them to treasure them, but not to dwell  on what did not happen.

At some point. .  .

We have to remember we have all grown.



I love you BJK, always have always will

I sat down today with the intention of writing some sort of blog post. Even writing this now, I'm not entirely sure what I want the outcome of my post to be. So I'm going to let the words come to me and see if anything worthwhile comes of it. . .

It's break time at school meaning I've literally been sitting at home for the past two days watching various movies with my friends. It's the norm for fall break here, and I refuse to feel guilty about it. However, its given me entirely way too much time to think. And when I see your name on the sidebar of Facebook, I can't tell how I want to react. A few months ago and the day didn't feel right if we weren't talking. You were the person that I wanted to turn to celebrate the joys and the hardships with. But now? You're a total stranger. I can't read you anymore, and I'm not sure that you'd want to read me. We hardly speak about anything anymore and while it was breaking me weeks ago, it just saddens me now. What happened to us?

In some ways I wanted you to be the one that would save me, the one that would rescue me from the pit I felt my life falling into, and I would do the same for you. You were supposed to be my imperfect perfection. But when things started heading in a direction that worried me, I opened up about how I was feeling to one of my friends. And she helped me to understand that I needed to go for what was going to make me happy, and what was going to make me happy now. I spent too much time waiting around for you to see something in me that you might never see, waiting for you to wake up in the morning and realize I was talking about you. I was waiting for you to know what I already thought I did. But it's gone. Perhaps it was my fault, I realized what I wanted before I could fully explain it to you, I thought that we could be something and you and I were not on the same wavelength. I could have been delusional, although I tend to hesitate on thinking like that. And even if I have had more to do with this rapid decline of our friendship than I think I do, the truth still is that we've pretty much walked out of each other's lives. What are we going to do about it?

Probably nothing. Because that's the way things are feeling to me. Parts of me are feeling a little abandoned by you, and other parts of me are feeling like I abandoned you. Because through all of this I've found someone. . .

And I'm having fixed feeling about that. Because I adore him, and he is perfection for me. But where does that leave us? Can our friendship last only on my unrequited like for you? Is my happiness not something we cannot share in together? I'm starting to question most of the conversations we've had over the years, starting to rethink what our friendship meant to me. There's a lot of things about us that make me question, think and react.

But I guess I'll never know. I'll go my way, and you'll go yours and perhaps one day we'll meet again.

For once, I'm going to walk away, I'm not going to let you ruin this for me.