RANT.

Remember those moments, the seconds that you thought that finally things were going to work out? Those moments are gone apparently. Everything we ever shared, it's all over. because quite honestly, you're weaker than I ever thought you could be. Do you ever think about the risk? or worse do you ever think about the fall out of what would happen if you took the risk? Wake up darling. Start to see that things are not always as they appear. You've got to figure things out without breaking everything around you. BREATHE for once in your life. Start thinking about things in your life and how you want them, not how you think they should be. You need to be there for yourself. Stop thinking that someone else is going to break down all the walls you've built to protect yourself. You need to be happy for yourself. Stop thinking that doing this or being that is ever going to make you happy. Be you. Love you. Accept you. And you will be happiness. No one else is ever going to take that from you. So be willing to take that risk, to jump into something that you think might work. Don't wait around for things to happen, because they never will. . . be your own happiness baby.

What Kentucky taught me about love life and ever after. . .

I recently spent a week in Kentucky, doing something I do every summer, loving every moment of it, even the moments that didn't turn out quite the way I planned it. Normally, my trip to Kentucky is an emotional roller-coaster where I have revelation upon revelation. This year, although I was hoping for it to be something huge, turned out to be the exact opposite from what I expected and really needed it to be, or so I thought. Don't get me wrong, I still had an amazing time, and I experienced moments that I will forever carry with me. In fact, this trip made me realize that I want to spend the summer interning at Red Bird Mission as opposed to spending the summer in South Africa. Big changes, not so big revelations. That is, until I got home. I remember telling myself, don't let this week not being what you expected it to be get you down, because once you give all the experiences time to marinate, you'll see what it really wound up meaning.

Even though I thought I was going crazy, the more I realized that this trip really taught me much more than I thought it had upon leaving. This week taught me more about what I wanted my life to be then I thought it was ever going to. I always thought my life was going to go a certain way- spend the summer in South Africa interning with an orphanage, go to Israel for a semester, graduate, go back to South Africa for a mission trip, head off to seminary, marry the man I thought I wanted to, get ordained, have kids blah blah blah blah. This past week though changed my thoughts on a lot of those things though. First off, I wont be spending the summer in South Africa, but instead interning at RBM. I've realized that in order to change the world, I've got to first start looking in my own backyard. It's making me think about what I really want out of my college experience and what I want to do while I'm in school. I need more than what I've spent my last year doing. Things need to change. I need something else.

Then the love thing came. I thought for a very long time that it wouldn't matter to me what my future husband believed in/thought about/did with his time as long as he loved me. However, upon meeting someone on our trip, I realized that I want someone who I could share my Kentuckian adventures with. I don't care if the future Mr. believed in the same God as I did, but I would expect that my future Mr. would want to spend time helping other people, that he could have an intelligent conversation about religion. I want someone who realizes that my faith is of the utmost importance to me. I want someone who wants to do for others and give completely of themselves. I want someone who I can go to Kentucky, South Africa, India, California, Louisiana, anywhere that the need is. I want someone with whom I can share these experiences. I don't want to spend my life living for other people while my husband sits on the sidelines and watches.

For a while I thought I had found someone for me. But all things considered, its not worth pressing onto something that's not meant to be. Instead I'll search out for someone who can be my mr. right instead of my mr. settling. Kentucky taught me that I've been settling too much in my life instead of working and going after not only what I want but also what I deserve.

So here's to grabbing back the steering wheel of my own life. I will no longer settle for things that are beneath me. I will no longer mope about being single, nor will I allow my self to fantasize about a life that is not going to make me as happy as I want to be in my life.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Red Bird. . .

I've never been so excited to go on this trip, and i think its because I'm falling apart in the most composed manner I know how. It's scary how much I can mask what I'm feeling on the inside. I bet no one else could tell you that I feel like im slipping underneath the water's surface and I cannot find the strength to tear myself out. this is the first time I'm actually starting to loose my grip. I need to get away and regroup.

Changes

I'm sitting here watching True Blood

but my mind is constantly moving

because i am literally in the middle of the so much change in my life that it hurts

im waiting for things to seem normal again.

but i don't think that things are going to start feeling normal for a long time

its time that people start realizing that i am in the midst of much confusion, but am handling things like a pro, I have everything together and even when i feel like the change is spinning me out of control, I can in fact keep it together. I'm nothing close to be typical, or ordinary or average. It's not bragging, it is a fact and its time you start realizing it, and start admitting the truth to yourself.

sometimes

dear you,

sometimes i cannot believe you're real.

the way that our words combine, the way our hands collide

its as though i'm caught in a dream,

never ending

sometimes, i want to reach across the table, take your face in my hand

just to feel proof that you are no figment of my imagination

sometimes, i want to hide from you

in the deepest parts of who i should be

just so that you won't break me

sometimes i want to run to you, to combine our souls into one

two puzzle pieces matched perfectly.

sometimes i want to sit in the utter silence, listening to your heart beat

as it aligns with mine.

sometimes i want to climb the mountains with you at my side

chattering about nothing

sometimes i want to discuss the world, our future, the unknown

late at night with you

tucked under the covers

sometimes i want time to stop

as we explore our bodies

sometimes i want the moments to remain clearer in my head

just to remember them as real

sometimes i want you to take the risk

to leap from the cliff

just so i can catch you.

sometimes i want you to catch me

after i take the step off my safety net

and into your arms

sometimes i want to argue with you

just so we can make up

sometimes i want you to remember we will never be perfect

loving us anyway

sometimes i just want to wake up

love me you

you me love

me love you

you love me.

my life.

I'm getting older and I need something to rely on. . .

I'm in my room back in Jersey squeezed onto the floor because my shit from school is all over, cuddling with my platypus, on my laptop talking to my roommate. Because this is how my life came crashing down around me, however melodramatic that sounds. I will bounce back from these realizations, but for the night I will dwell and wallow in my pain of missing everything that school is to me, including my very very very good friends. It probably doesn't help that I'm listening to "Somewhere Only We Know" on repeat, but it's what I'm doing :D A few days before I left for school, my friend Bronte and I got into a conversation about marriage, which honestly is an odd topic at our school. Normally we're talking about gender, identity or quidditch. I admitted to her that as long as I met the right man and wouldn't have to give up my goals or dreams I would totally get married now, which took her aback a bit, especially because I am a very independent, self-sufficient person. But its the truth. If I had the chance to get married now or in the near future I would do it, and I've always thought I was going to get married when I was youngish. Of course it would be much more realistic if I had a boyfriend. . . but I don't know if that's happening anytime soon. Anyway, reason I bring this up is because I'm thinking about reliability, and constants. I know that the whole world is temporary, but things have been changing so fast and so vastly for me since January that I'm desperately searching for something to be constant in my life. Not that it doesn't change or grow, but something that I know will always be there and will not leave me.

Too much to ask? I figured :D

<3 maybe I'll be more coherent soon.