e.e. cummings

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we'll leave it far and far away—
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

e.e. cummings

3 years.

It's weird sometimes to look back on our past and realize how far we've come.

And at other times, you look back into your past and you really wish you hadn't.

Yesterday marked the third year anniversary of my friend's death. In three years I've grown into a completely different person than I was when he knew me. The person I am now? He would have loved me even more than he did. In the last three years I've come to see that I regret even more than I thought I did. I regret not being able to say good-bye, regret not being there more, I regret not making more of an effort.

There's so many unanswered questions.



But then again. . .

The past is not something we should be dwelling on, nor is it something we can change.

It's about moving on.

Here I am. Three years later.

I've moved on.

But I will never ever forget. Our memories are burned into my mind, and I will look back on them to treasure them, but not to dwell  on what did not happen.

At some point. .  .

We have to remember we have all grown.



I love you BJK, always have always will

I sat down today with the intention of writing some sort of blog post. Even writing this now, I'm not entirely sure what I want the outcome of my post to be. So I'm going to let the words come to me and see if anything worthwhile comes of it. . .

It's break time at school meaning I've literally been sitting at home for the past two days watching various movies with my friends. It's the norm for fall break here, and I refuse to feel guilty about it. However, its given me entirely way too much time to think. And when I see your name on the sidebar of Facebook, I can't tell how I want to react. A few months ago and the day didn't feel right if we weren't talking. You were the person that I wanted to turn to celebrate the joys and the hardships with. But now? You're a total stranger. I can't read you anymore, and I'm not sure that you'd want to read me. We hardly speak about anything anymore and while it was breaking me weeks ago, it just saddens me now. What happened to us?

In some ways I wanted you to be the one that would save me, the one that would rescue me from the pit I felt my life falling into, and I would do the same for you. You were supposed to be my imperfect perfection. But when things started heading in a direction that worried me, I opened up about how I was feeling to one of my friends. And she helped me to understand that I needed to go for what was going to make me happy, and what was going to make me happy now. I spent too much time waiting around for you to see something in me that you might never see, waiting for you to wake up in the morning and realize I was talking about you. I was waiting for you to know what I already thought I did. But it's gone. Perhaps it was my fault, I realized what I wanted before I could fully explain it to you, I thought that we could be something and you and I were not on the same wavelength. I could have been delusional, although I tend to hesitate on thinking like that. And even if I have had more to do with this rapid decline of our friendship than I think I do, the truth still is that we've pretty much walked out of each other's lives. What are we going to do about it?

Probably nothing. Because that's the way things are feeling to me. Parts of me are feeling a little abandoned by you, and other parts of me are feeling like I abandoned you. Because through all of this I've found someone. . .

And I'm having fixed feeling about that. Because I adore him, and he is perfection for me. But where does that leave us? Can our friendship last only on my unrequited like for you? Is my happiness not something we cannot share in together? I'm starting to question most of the conversations we've had over the years, starting to rethink what our friendship meant to me. There's a lot of things about us that make me question, think and react.

But I guess I'll never know. I'll go my way, and you'll go yours and perhaps one day we'll meet again.

For once, I'm going to walk away, I'm not going to let you ruin this for me.

RANT.

Remember those moments, the seconds that you thought that finally things were going to work out? Those moments are gone apparently. Everything we ever shared, it's all over. because quite honestly, you're weaker than I ever thought you could be. Do you ever think about the risk? or worse do you ever think about the fall out of what would happen if you took the risk? Wake up darling. Start to see that things are not always as they appear. You've got to figure things out without breaking everything around you. BREATHE for once in your life. Start thinking about things in your life and how you want them, not how you think they should be. You need to be there for yourself. Stop thinking that someone else is going to break down all the walls you've built to protect yourself. You need to be happy for yourself. Stop thinking that doing this or being that is ever going to make you happy. Be you. Love you. Accept you. And you will be happiness. No one else is ever going to take that from you. So be willing to take that risk, to jump into something that you think might work. Don't wait around for things to happen, because they never will. . . be your own happiness baby.

What Kentucky taught me about love life and ever after. . .

I recently spent a week in Kentucky, doing something I do every summer, loving every moment of it, even the moments that didn't turn out quite the way I planned it. Normally, my trip to Kentucky is an emotional roller-coaster where I have revelation upon revelation. This year, although I was hoping for it to be something huge, turned out to be the exact opposite from what I expected and really needed it to be, or so I thought. Don't get me wrong, I still had an amazing time, and I experienced moments that I will forever carry with me. In fact, this trip made me realize that I want to spend the summer interning at Red Bird Mission as opposed to spending the summer in South Africa. Big changes, not so big revelations. That is, until I got home. I remember telling myself, don't let this week not being what you expected it to be get you down, because once you give all the experiences time to marinate, you'll see what it really wound up meaning.

Even though I thought I was going crazy, the more I realized that this trip really taught me much more than I thought it had upon leaving. This week taught me more about what I wanted my life to be then I thought it was ever going to. I always thought my life was going to go a certain way- spend the summer in South Africa interning with an orphanage, go to Israel for a semester, graduate, go back to South Africa for a mission trip, head off to seminary, marry the man I thought I wanted to, get ordained, have kids blah blah blah blah. This past week though changed my thoughts on a lot of those things though. First off, I wont be spending the summer in South Africa, but instead interning at RBM. I've realized that in order to change the world, I've got to first start looking in my own backyard. It's making me think about what I really want out of my college experience and what I want to do while I'm in school. I need more than what I've spent my last year doing. Things need to change. I need something else.

Then the love thing came. I thought for a very long time that it wouldn't matter to me what my future husband believed in/thought about/did with his time as long as he loved me. However, upon meeting someone on our trip, I realized that I want someone who I could share my Kentuckian adventures with. I don't care if the future Mr. believed in the same God as I did, but I would expect that my future Mr. would want to spend time helping other people, that he could have an intelligent conversation about religion. I want someone who realizes that my faith is of the utmost importance to me. I want someone who wants to do for others and give completely of themselves. I want someone who I can go to Kentucky, South Africa, India, California, Louisiana, anywhere that the need is. I want someone with whom I can share these experiences. I don't want to spend my life living for other people while my husband sits on the sidelines and watches.

For a while I thought I had found someone for me. But all things considered, its not worth pressing onto something that's not meant to be. Instead I'll search out for someone who can be my mr. right instead of my mr. settling. Kentucky taught me that I've been settling too much in my life instead of working and going after not only what I want but also what I deserve.

So here's to grabbing back the steering wheel of my own life. I will no longer settle for things that are beneath me. I will no longer mope about being single, nor will I allow my self to fantasize about a life that is not going to make me as happy as I want to be in my life.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Red Bird. . .

I've never been so excited to go on this trip, and i think its because I'm falling apart in the most composed manner I know how. It's scary how much I can mask what I'm feeling on the inside. I bet no one else could tell you that I feel like im slipping underneath the water's surface and I cannot find the strength to tear myself out. this is the first time I'm actually starting to loose my grip. I need to get away and regroup.