3 years.

It's weird sometimes to look back on our past and realize how far we've come.

And at other times, you look back into your past and you really wish you hadn't.

Yesterday marked the third year anniversary of my friend's death. In three years I've grown into a completely different person than I was when he knew me. The person I am now? He would have loved me even more than he did. In the last three years I've come to see that I regret even more than I thought I did. I regret not being able to say good-bye, regret not being there more, I regret not making more of an effort.

There's so many unanswered questions.



But then again. . .

The past is not something we should be dwelling on, nor is it something we can change.

It's about moving on.

Here I am. Three years later.

I've moved on.

But I will never ever forget. Our memories are burned into my mind, and I will look back on them to treasure them, but not to dwell  on what did not happen.

At some point. .  .

We have to remember we have all grown.



I love you BJK, always have always will

I sat down today with the intention of writing some sort of blog post. Even writing this now, I'm not entirely sure what I want the outcome of my post to be. So I'm going to let the words come to me and see if anything worthwhile comes of it. . .

It's break time at school meaning I've literally been sitting at home for the past two days watching various movies with my friends. It's the norm for fall break here, and I refuse to feel guilty about it. However, its given me entirely way too much time to think. And when I see your name on the sidebar of Facebook, I can't tell how I want to react. A few months ago and the day didn't feel right if we weren't talking. You were the person that I wanted to turn to celebrate the joys and the hardships with. But now? You're a total stranger. I can't read you anymore, and I'm not sure that you'd want to read me. We hardly speak about anything anymore and while it was breaking me weeks ago, it just saddens me now. What happened to us?

In some ways I wanted you to be the one that would save me, the one that would rescue me from the pit I felt my life falling into, and I would do the same for you. You were supposed to be my imperfect perfection. But when things started heading in a direction that worried me, I opened up about how I was feeling to one of my friends. And she helped me to understand that I needed to go for what was going to make me happy, and what was going to make me happy now. I spent too much time waiting around for you to see something in me that you might never see, waiting for you to wake up in the morning and realize I was talking about you. I was waiting for you to know what I already thought I did. But it's gone. Perhaps it was my fault, I realized what I wanted before I could fully explain it to you, I thought that we could be something and you and I were not on the same wavelength. I could have been delusional, although I tend to hesitate on thinking like that. And even if I have had more to do with this rapid decline of our friendship than I think I do, the truth still is that we've pretty much walked out of each other's lives. What are we going to do about it?

Probably nothing. Because that's the way things are feeling to me. Parts of me are feeling a little abandoned by you, and other parts of me are feeling like I abandoned you. Because through all of this I've found someone. . .

And I'm having fixed feeling about that. Because I adore him, and he is perfection for me. But where does that leave us? Can our friendship last only on my unrequited like for you? Is my happiness not something we cannot share in together? I'm starting to question most of the conversations we've had over the years, starting to rethink what our friendship meant to me. There's a lot of things about us that make me question, think and react.

But I guess I'll never know. I'll go my way, and you'll go yours and perhaps one day we'll meet again.