e.e. cummings

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we'll leave it far and far away—
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

e.e. cummings

3 years.

It's weird sometimes to look back on our past and realize how far we've come.

And at other times, you look back into your past and you really wish you hadn't.

Yesterday marked the third year anniversary of my friend's death. In three years I've grown into a completely different person than I was when he knew me. The person I am now? He would have loved me even more than he did. In the last three years I've come to see that I regret even more than I thought I did. I regret not being able to say good-bye, regret not being there more, I regret not making more of an effort.

There's so many unanswered questions.



But then again. . .

The past is not something we should be dwelling on, nor is it something we can change.

It's about moving on.

Here I am. Three years later.

I've moved on.

But I will never ever forget. Our memories are burned into my mind, and I will look back on them to treasure them, but not to dwell  on what did not happen.

At some point. .  .

We have to remember we have all grown.



I love you BJK, always have always will

I sat down today with the intention of writing some sort of blog post. Even writing this now, I'm not entirely sure what I want the outcome of my post to be. So I'm going to let the words come to me and see if anything worthwhile comes of it. . .

It's break time at school meaning I've literally been sitting at home for the past two days watching various movies with my friends. It's the norm for fall break here, and I refuse to feel guilty about it. However, its given me entirely way too much time to think. And when I see your name on the sidebar of Facebook, I can't tell how I want to react. A few months ago and the day didn't feel right if we weren't talking. You were the person that I wanted to turn to celebrate the joys and the hardships with. But now? You're a total stranger. I can't read you anymore, and I'm not sure that you'd want to read me. We hardly speak about anything anymore and while it was breaking me weeks ago, it just saddens me now. What happened to us?

In some ways I wanted you to be the one that would save me, the one that would rescue me from the pit I felt my life falling into, and I would do the same for you. You were supposed to be my imperfect perfection. But when things started heading in a direction that worried me, I opened up about how I was feeling to one of my friends. And she helped me to understand that I needed to go for what was going to make me happy, and what was going to make me happy now. I spent too much time waiting around for you to see something in me that you might never see, waiting for you to wake up in the morning and realize I was talking about you. I was waiting for you to know what I already thought I did. But it's gone. Perhaps it was my fault, I realized what I wanted before I could fully explain it to you, I thought that we could be something and you and I were not on the same wavelength. I could have been delusional, although I tend to hesitate on thinking like that. And even if I have had more to do with this rapid decline of our friendship than I think I do, the truth still is that we've pretty much walked out of each other's lives. What are we going to do about it?

Probably nothing. Because that's the way things are feeling to me. Parts of me are feeling a little abandoned by you, and other parts of me are feeling like I abandoned you. Because through all of this I've found someone. . .

And I'm having fixed feeling about that. Because I adore him, and he is perfection for me. But where does that leave us? Can our friendship last only on my unrequited like for you? Is my happiness not something we cannot share in together? I'm starting to question most of the conversations we've had over the years, starting to rethink what our friendship meant to me. There's a lot of things about us that make me question, think and react.

But I guess I'll never know. I'll go my way, and you'll go yours and perhaps one day we'll meet again.

For once, I'm going to walk away, I'm not going to let you ruin this for me.

RANT.

Remember those moments, the seconds that you thought that finally things were going to work out? Those moments are gone apparently. Everything we ever shared, it's all over. because quite honestly, you're weaker than I ever thought you could be. Do you ever think about the risk? or worse do you ever think about the fall out of what would happen if you took the risk? Wake up darling. Start to see that things are not always as they appear. You've got to figure things out without breaking everything around you. BREATHE for once in your life. Start thinking about things in your life and how you want them, not how you think they should be. You need to be there for yourself. Stop thinking that someone else is going to break down all the walls you've built to protect yourself. You need to be happy for yourself. Stop thinking that doing this or being that is ever going to make you happy. Be you. Love you. Accept you. And you will be happiness. No one else is ever going to take that from you. So be willing to take that risk, to jump into something that you think might work. Don't wait around for things to happen, because they never will. . . be your own happiness baby.

What Kentucky taught me about love life and ever after. . .

I recently spent a week in Kentucky, doing something I do every summer, loving every moment of it, even the moments that didn't turn out quite the way I planned it. Normally, my trip to Kentucky is an emotional roller-coaster where I have revelation upon revelation. This year, although I was hoping for it to be something huge, turned out to be the exact opposite from what I expected and really needed it to be, or so I thought. Don't get me wrong, I still had an amazing time, and I experienced moments that I will forever carry with me. In fact, this trip made me realize that I want to spend the summer interning at Red Bird Mission as opposed to spending the summer in South Africa. Big changes, not so big revelations. That is, until I got home. I remember telling myself, don't let this week not being what you expected it to be get you down, because once you give all the experiences time to marinate, you'll see what it really wound up meaning.

Even though I thought I was going crazy, the more I realized that this trip really taught me much more than I thought it had upon leaving. This week taught me more about what I wanted my life to be then I thought it was ever going to. I always thought my life was going to go a certain way- spend the summer in South Africa interning with an orphanage, go to Israel for a semester, graduate, go back to South Africa for a mission trip, head off to seminary, marry the man I thought I wanted to, get ordained, have kids blah blah blah blah. This past week though changed my thoughts on a lot of those things though. First off, I wont be spending the summer in South Africa, but instead interning at RBM. I've realized that in order to change the world, I've got to first start looking in my own backyard. It's making me think about what I really want out of my college experience and what I want to do while I'm in school. I need more than what I've spent my last year doing. Things need to change. I need something else.

Then the love thing came. I thought for a very long time that it wouldn't matter to me what my future husband believed in/thought about/did with his time as long as he loved me. However, upon meeting someone on our trip, I realized that I want someone who I could share my Kentuckian adventures with. I don't care if the future Mr. believed in the same God as I did, but I would expect that my future Mr. would want to spend time helping other people, that he could have an intelligent conversation about religion. I want someone who realizes that my faith is of the utmost importance to me. I want someone who wants to do for others and give completely of themselves. I want someone who I can go to Kentucky, South Africa, India, California, Louisiana, anywhere that the need is. I want someone with whom I can share these experiences. I don't want to spend my life living for other people while my husband sits on the sidelines and watches.

For a while I thought I had found someone for me. But all things considered, its not worth pressing onto something that's not meant to be. Instead I'll search out for someone who can be my mr. right instead of my mr. settling. Kentucky taught me that I've been settling too much in my life instead of working and going after not only what I want but also what I deserve.

So here's to grabbing back the steering wheel of my own life. I will no longer settle for things that are beneath me. I will no longer mope about being single, nor will I allow my self to fantasize about a life that is not going to make me as happy as I want to be in my life.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Red Bird. . .

I've never been so excited to go on this trip, and i think its because I'm falling apart in the most composed manner I know how. It's scary how much I can mask what I'm feeling on the inside. I bet no one else could tell you that I feel like im slipping underneath the water's surface and I cannot find the strength to tear myself out. this is the first time I'm actually starting to loose my grip. I need to get away and regroup.

Changes

I'm sitting here watching True Blood

but my mind is constantly moving

because i am literally in the middle of the so much change in my life that it hurts

im waiting for things to seem normal again.

but i don't think that things are going to start feeling normal for a long time

its time that people start realizing that i am in the midst of much confusion, but am handling things like a pro, I have everything together and even when i feel like the change is spinning me out of control, I can in fact keep it together. I'm nothing close to be typical, or ordinary or average. It's not bragging, it is a fact and its time you start realizing it, and start admitting the truth to yourself.

sometimes

dear you,

sometimes i cannot believe you're real.

the way that our words combine, the way our hands collide

its as though i'm caught in a dream,

never ending

sometimes, i want to reach across the table, take your face in my hand

just to feel proof that you are no figment of my imagination

sometimes, i want to hide from you

in the deepest parts of who i should be

just so that you won't break me

sometimes i want to run to you, to combine our souls into one

two puzzle pieces matched perfectly.

sometimes i want to sit in the utter silence, listening to your heart beat

as it aligns with mine.

sometimes i want to climb the mountains with you at my side

chattering about nothing

sometimes i want to discuss the world, our future, the unknown

late at night with you

tucked under the covers

sometimes i want time to stop

as we explore our bodies

sometimes i want the moments to remain clearer in my head

just to remember them as real

sometimes i want you to take the risk

to leap from the cliff

just so i can catch you.

sometimes i want you to catch me

after i take the step off my safety net

and into your arms

sometimes i want to argue with you

just so we can make up

sometimes i want you to remember we will never be perfect

loving us anyway

sometimes i just want to wake up

love me you

you me love

me love you

you love me.

my life.

I'm getting older and I need something to rely on. . .

I'm in my room back in Jersey squeezed onto the floor because my shit from school is all over, cuddling with my platypus, on my laptop talking to my roommate. Because this is how my life came crashing down around me, however melodramatic that sounds. I will bounce back from these realizations, but for the night I will dwell and wallow in my pain of missing everything that school is to me, including my very very very good friends. It probably doesn't help that I'm listening to "Somewhere Only We Know" on repeat, but it's what I'm doing :D A few days before I left for school, my friend Bronte and I got into a conversation about marriage, which honestly is an odd topic at our school. Normally we're talking about gender, identity or quidditch. I admitted to her that as long as I met the right man and wouldn't have to give up my goals or dreams I would totally get married now, which took her aback a bit, especially because I am a very independent, self-sufficient person. But its the truth. If I had the chance to get married now or in the near future I would do it, and I've always thought I was going to get married when I was youngish. Of course it would be much more realistic if I had a boyfriend. . . but I don't know if that's happening anytime soon. Anyway, reason I bring this up is because I'm thinking about reliability, and constants. I know that the whole world is temporary, but things have been changing so fast and so vastly for me since January that I'm desperately searching for something to be constant in my life. Not that it doesn't change or grow, but something that I know will always be there and will not leave me.

Too much to ask? I figured :D

<3 maybe I'll be more coherent soon.

Once again.

The moon shone down

Illuminated only shadows,

the shapes of who we were

You could not see my eyes

You would never realize the tears I shed that night

Your lips grazed my forehead, as the wind brushes past your cheek

A sudden dark abyss

I lost you once and I would lose you again

GO

With no warning,

only the sense of utter chaos,

my feet pounded the dirt trodden road

In escape finding redemption

STOP

The moon illuminates the clearing

an open circle polluted with whispering memories

poems brushed by my ears, as though I were a willow tree,

Wrote of words that you spoke

strung together by haunting horn

Every sworn promise, every story told

Every moment captured.

GO

Forward under the silver-gold moon

the figures of fog dance

rotating, expanding condensing

in time to your own words

until frustration screams out

everything broken

STOP

the moon illuminates the figure

moving towards my collapsed form

outstretched hand offering a simple promise

a partner to dance with,

a partner to create new stories

until night ends once more

a cool breeze where your lips once were

GO

I will repair what has been broken

pick up the pieces, plant them as though they were wildflowers

the clearing will no longer be a graveyard for my memories

I will sew my own wounds closed,

wait for them to form their own scars, blend in with pale skin

blemished by years of waiting to see you alive once more.

STOP

GO

LIVE AGAIN

I Will Break Myself

I will break myself,
lay it all flat
an offering from years ago

I will break myself
mend the pieces I have
reshape and reform all

I will break myself
sew inch by inch
part by part until typicality reigns

I will break myself
to get you to notices
I am more than your flickering shadow

I will break myself
over and
over again

I will break myself,
because each piece, no matter the amount of times
I remold them,
will be the same pieces you have never noticed.
Each piece will always be men, and you
will never see me, no matter how hard I try

I am the shadow in your light
the steps behind you
I am every rush of adrenaline that wakes you as the clock ticks midnight
I am the risk you never took,
Your only regret

I will break myself as your heart will never break for me.

rawr

....

I am getting quite tired of not having someone to turn to.

When I'm getting sexiled from my room and all I want to do is to complain to someone who *at least pretends* to care about what I have to say and how I'm feeling. BUT i don't because I don't.

I'm complaining because im in that kinda mood.

Apparently some things never change

I cannot remember most of elementary school.
I've repressed the memories because they are to painful to remember, to call upon that time in my life is to ask myself to loose it all again.

High school was not a great time in my life. I never fit in, and I was surprisingly okay with that, however I figured that once we all graduated, some how people would stop being the assholes that they were in high school. However I was wrong. People who talked shit about me then are STILL talking shit about me now. It really shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but I honestly am so angry about the fact that people didn't grow up. Why I expected them to, I couldn't tell you, but the fact that even though I'm at one of the top colleges in the country having amazing experiences and actually making a difference I'm still being judged by the people I grew up with. It's heart breaking to know that "home" feels about as safe now as it did a year ago. I still feel rejected and hurt even though I know I shouldn't because these people don't matter to me, and never has, but still knowing that people STILL TALK ABOUT me cuts so much deeper than it should.

When you're made fun of you're whole life, and made to feel like you're never going to amount to anything, those insecurities tend to carry over for your whole life. Even when I found Smith and felt like i was finally coming home to people who accept me for who I, there were still insecurities and now knowing that people are still in this state of mind where they're talking shit about me 3 hours from where I am still hurts. . .

Fucking Perfect.

To me you will never be perfect.

This is my gift to you I believe, I will never except you to me more than you are. I know that things are going to be tough between us, that there will be nights when we can hardly stand to look at each other, but I can promise you that I will never see you as perfect and because of that I genuinely believe I will love you more. I don't expect you to be Prince Charming or to save me from myself, I will never expect you to be something more than you are. I love you for you, all that you are and if you can believe it, I love you for all you are not. I just want something real between us, something that means something, something that will last longer than frivolity. I think you are wonderful, lovely, special, amazing, awesome, I will refer to to you as "that amazing man I'm seeing" or "that's the man I want to spend my life with" or something to that affect. I love you not in spite of your faults but because of them. I would expect the same from you, we both know I am not nor will I ever be perfect. I should hope that you would love me unconditionally as I love you.

To me you will always be mine. <3

Groundings

Being on your own is a lot like flying a hot air balloon, you can very easily escape into the atmosphere and feel as though you are totally disconnected to the things that once kept you on the ground. While you cannot keep yourself grounded your whole life, you must eventually allow yourself to fly free, you must always remember that you need to touch down occasionally. To refuel, repair and re-chart your course.

Talking to my mom is a lot like that for me. Since I've been at school, we have become so much closer than we used to be, and for that I am so very thankful. My mom is one of the only people in the world that I can admit anything and everything to. Before tonight, it had been a while since I'd spoken to her, and I could already feel myself feeling out in the atmosphere. I spent almost 45 minutes discussing religion with my mom which is not something we often do, but it felt uncannily right tonight. It gave us both a chance to see that even though we come from two different generations, we still have the same views on religion and what it means.

Its nights like tonight that remind me honestly of who I am and what I am doing in my life, a chance for me to remember what was once important to me and even when I'm away that I can still live my life the way I need to. It is comforting to come to the realization that there is someone out there who can understand totally where I am coming from and how that relates to where I'm going. It is in my mother and work and what I see her do everyday that inspires me to be a greater person. My mother truly is my best friend and now that I'm growing up, I'm starting to understand our relationship even more. Who knows, maybe one day a book will come of it? All in All, my mother has always been and shall continue to be my inspiration.

For Christmas my mother gave me a bracelet that reads:
A mother and daughter share an everlasting bond.

I love you mom

Rise

Stale cigarettes, spilt wine
burnt hair
sticky stains where hairspray spilt
powder of my eyeshadow sparkles on countertop in this light,
hand rides the familiar curve of the wall
feet drag across the slight arch of the floor
eyes water as memories flood back like ocean tides
smiles flash, music plays
as I walk away
This is not a part of me anymore, this cannot be my life

Door closes, I crawl through a window
Escape

Let go, drop from the sill

Freedom
landing on the ground

I will rise again.

Picture of Us

There's a photo of us above my bed,a moment from history that might never repeat- and yet every time my eyes glance over it, I smile. It's similar to other photos, but unique in its own way. Surprisingly it keeps me grounded, reminds me that there's more to these days than just lounging around. I will always remember the moment it was taken and the genuine smile on my face. When things start to get crazy, I will look at this photo and remember what it means to be me, not because you are me, but because you make me want to be myself. You are the one person in this world who I want to be myself for, the only one who accepts me for who I am, YOU are the one who makes me confident in my own skin. I want to please you, to live you, because in that I feel as though I will be completed within you. There is a photo of us above my bed, a single moment captured that will keep my feet on the ground because you remind me of what it is to love myself.

Unrequited my Ass.

I have this problem

And seeing as it's 1:13 am on Saturday morning and I have yet to go to bed, even though I'm beyond exhausted, throw in the fact that I have to be leaving my house at 8:15 this morning and the fact that the reason I'm up so late is because I needed to finish the book I was reading; my mind refuses to shut off so I have decided to write it out.

Rawr.

Okay- so I suffer from this double edged affliction. It is in my nature, my personality, my very core to care about people. I strive to love unconditionally, judge as little as possible, and most of the time even when I'm making jokes about someone else, chances are I'd still take a bullet for them. There are countless people who I'd gladly step in the line of fire between, not because I'm searching out a hero title or looking for something postmortem, but because I hate to see other suffer. I know what it's like to bear pain, to look in the mirror and not recognize the person who is looking back at you. I can sympathize and I can empathize,and more often than not I can feel your pain. I'm a "good listener" because when you tell your story, I feel your emotions. Weird as it sounds, its the truth. It's not something I would trade for the world however. I want to share in your life with you, I want to be there for you, I want to be able to fix it, and when I can't put a band-aid on it and help you get back up, I want to be able to take the ride with you, if not for the sole reason that I can't bear to see you go it alone.

The problem lies when I begin to care more about another person than they care about me. Which of course is my own cross to bear, but its something that has been weighing on my mind tonight and this is my blog and thus I will say what I want. :)

I am constantly meeting new people and "falling in love" with their personalities. I start to build relationships with people, friendships, connections with the people I engage with. And then something comes down to the nitty-gritty, we move away from each other, our classes change, we head off to college or forget the person's last name. When these connections sever, there's a pain in my chest, moments of restlessness and longing that I can't explain to anyone. When these connections die down and I'm the one trying desperatley to keep our relationship afloat, i can't see where things went wrong. Granted I know that people move on and go their seperate ways, but for people who I truly care about I'm most often the last one left clinging to a floating raft that never could float.

I'm going to share a very personal stories with you (look at that, already I'm doing it again):

I mentioned my friend Dan a few blog posts ago- who I met years ago at karate when my old crowd was still there. He slowly became one of my really good friends as being a part of the same program and age group brought us together multiple times a week. When I started dating our mutual friend Adam, Dan and I got even closer. We would knife fight during breaks at karate, eat dinner together, play on the playground together, partner up in class together. One time, he even managed to punch me in the nose, but it was those experiences that would bind us for life. When Adam and I broke up, he was one of the first to be there for me, even though Adam was a mutual friend, and despite our nasty, painful break-up, Dan still remained very good friends with me. I used to try and pretend he was my brother because then it gave me some sort of legtimate tie to him, some way of knowing that no matter what happened he'd still be there for me. Then there was the time that I crushed on him, and the time that he thought I would hate him for not reciprocating. Back then, even when I was crushing on him, I think I was really just looking for a way to lay claim with him. If we ever went out, I could call him my ex, and know that he would forever be a part of my life. Of course though we remained friends, because who let's a silly crush get in the way of their friendship? I can remember my friend Arianne and I planning Dan a going away party when he left for school, with a sense of knowing that it was probably the last time our group of friends would ever actually be our group of friends. I saw him one more time before he left for school that night, I was getting ready to be a junior in high school and trying to figure a lot out, and the night he left for school I let myself cry myself to sleep. Maybe it was because I was reading New Moon at the time, or of how attached I was to him, but there was a hole in my chest that consumed me. I listened to MayDay Parade's "Jersey" a thousand times over because I understood what they meant when they sang "and Jersey just got colder, and I'll have you know I'm scared to death that everything you said to me was just a lie until you left." In the beginning, whenever he came home he made it a priority to see me, I can remember him coming to pick me up from my house to drive me to karate because there were things he needed to talk about, I can remember having just gotten my license driving off to the dinner to see him. But then, life gets in the way. People get busy, people begin to have other plans, and because we are not in the forefront of each other's minds, we have a hard time keeping in touch. Scroll across his facebook wall and occasionally you will see posting that I write to which he will respond and we will have a very basic conversation. But I initiate. because there is a large part of me that believes I'm pumping air into a broken raft. Granted every once in a while he'll do something that astounds me, like show up at the Cardboard City that I was hosting, even just to pop in for a minute. But it still hurts me at times when I realize that we don't have the relationship we used to, and we probably never will again, and what hurts more is that most of me feels like I'm the only one feeling this way. Do I want Dan to read this? Yes and No. It's not his burden to bear, nor will anything actually make a difference. Do I want someone to read this? Yes, anyone out there actually because then I feel like I'm not alone.

Because here's the thing- when you're carrying so much, sometimes it feels like you are alone in this world. Posting a blog about some deeply rooted hurt makes me feel less alone, even if no one reads it, because the truth is, someone out there will find it. I'm not 100% sure where most of this is coming from, but I'm just going to let it keep flowing.

Maybe I'll be able to sleep better tonight-

or Maybe this is the beginning of understanding that my life's work will be about helping people their crosses, and the way I have been dealing with that has not been healthy.

A Step in the right direction?

Or is it a foreshadowing? They say relationships are never 50/50, that they are always 60/40 or 70/30 or 80/20, will I constantly be the 80 side? Will I never find someone who will care about me just as much as I care about them? And I mean both romantically and friendship wise, I have never once denied my friend advice or a shoulder to cry on because it was too much for me, nor will I ever.

Because as much as this blog might sound whiny, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love people, I will always love people, and most of my life will be about every on else's life coming before my own, and I am glad to do it.

Take care, oh blog readers.

<3

this spark inside?

...

For those of you that don't know me very well, I'm a very driven person, with a stubborn personality and a calling I won't deny. I stand up for my beliefs and stand firm in my convictions. I'm not afraid to get in your face, argue with you or turn my back. I won't be walked over and there are times where I will do whatever it takes to reach the end goal. I am intimidating at times and like to be in control.

However as well as these personality traits have worked for me academically and in other pursuits, socially and romantically it can be a serious problem. Where I run into the most problems is that guys my age are not quite there yet, and I intimidate them sometimes. Do you know it's like trying to find a guy with a plan in college? It sucks.

Now I'm not whining about being single, and Lord knows that the this is NOT the reason that I'm single, not by a long stretch, but thinking about it makes me roll my eyes and long for maturity. Some people will tell you that going to an all-women's college will make you lower your standards, but Smith is having the exact opposite, it's causing me to raise my standards, which overall is a good thing, right? I guess I'm glad that Smith is not a girls' college without men, it's a women's college without boys, because honestly if I had to live with boys my age right now I'd probably throw myself out a window. :)

Anywayyy.

I head back on Monday, and I'm finally ready to head back. Even though my bedroom at home looks like my dorm room threw up in it, packing is making me happy. I love my family to death, but I miss my friends. I cannot wait to get back and start doing homework, which is a weird feeling because I haven't loved homework since my final English project senior year, (and shh don't tell my physics teacher this) and my physics homework senior year. I have several awesome classes for next year and they are going to be work, but it will be work I'm ready for. so YAY for going back. Plus Quidditch practices start soon, and for that I am crazy excited!


<3

Pause the Clock ?

Summer plans? Room Draw? 3rd Semester?

All of these questions are running through my head, people are asking the questions and I just don't have answers right now. After first semester of school, my life was a hot mess. I can accept that, and I'm learning from the mistakes I made. I do not regret a single second of what i did, or the experiences I had, but as a consequence, I had to do a lot of re-evaluating.

I leave for school in less than a week, and all I want to do is work on holding up my newfound me and not giving in to people and things, I honestly cannot worry about what my plans are for the summer right now or what forms I have to fill out to get the room I want next year. It's going to be hard enough walking back into my house knowing that I cannot be the same person I was last time I lived there.

It's scary. I won't lie, I'm know it's going to be one of the hardest things I've done in a while, but I'm ready for it. I'm ready to be the person I am.

And this doesn't exclude me from letting loose and getting down every once in a while, but it wont consume my life in the mass that it has in the past. I'm going to relearn what Smith means to me. I'm excited to go back to school and do all the things I love doing without putting them to rest. I have never in my life been more excited to do homework. I'm ready to take the classes I signed up for, to challenge myself and to see what else Smith can offer me. I'm ready to make new friends and keep my really amazing friends. It's a balancing act, but I think I'm finally ready.

<3

Reflection.

Looking back on 2010 I realize just how much I changed in a year, how much life has offered me in the terms of experience and growth. Looking ahead to 2011 I can only hope that I will be as happy with the progress I continue to make.

This time last year, I was slaving away over a script. My gorgeous white binder and I spent more time together than I spent with my family. I constantly was making notes or sketching sets or reading up on lines. After school I was either backstage, on stage, in front of the stage, running from the English office to 507 and back or walking around the school searching out open classrooms where I could run lines with the cast. On Saturdays I was at the bagel shop picking up orders and driving them back to school to start work either on rehearsal or building. I was in my domain. I was in control, I was giving it everything I got. And here I can bitch and moan about how I felt that no one else really cared about the show, or how Friday night after the show felt, but I'm not going to. Instead I'm going to talk about how Friday preshow felt. . . The unnecessary butterflies, the crew potluck dinner, where we were able to just sit together and breathe before I was up and running around again. Watching the hustle and the bustle of people coming in. Being able to walk out to the lobby area to check on the parents and the ticket sellers, the house lights and front house manager, it just worked for me. No matter how stressed I was, seeing people show up for the show filled me with a hope that somehow everyone would pull it together. Having people walk up to me and and wish me luck on the show or running into people who had come to see the show who I hadn't seen in a while, it was amazing. And the five minutes before the show standing with the cast and crew, it was all smiles. In the two minutes before the show started, checking house lights, shutting curtains to people's houses and checking for places, it was those moments when I realized that not matter what happened on the stage that night, I had given my all for it. The moments I had been waiting for had come, and watching that curtain pull back filled me with a dread that I may never be able to replicate for thirty seconds until it was all business again.

And that night after the show, after all that happened, I hid my face from people that I saw lagging behind to say hi, I hid my anger and my hurt and my distrust from people, so that they would not see that I felt like a failure.

By the time June rolled around, I was already gone. Graduation was blessed ceremony that wasn't over soon enough. I spent my summer with the people I cared about, doing things I cared about. I connected with friends and made sure that I spoke and saw the people that I wanted to. Every interaction was deliberate and I loved every moment of it because I was finally doing what made me happy.

Being in school has already changed me, in ways that I didn't know it could. In the past four months alone I have learned that "normal" is not something I need in my life, nor something I should strive to be, that being "typical" is only going to make me unhappy. I've learned that sometimes you just have to admit to things, as frightening as it can be, and that taking chances is the only way to be sure that you don't live with regret. I have found reconnecting with old friends is a therapy, and often times you reconnect at the right moment. Even though people come from different places or feel different things they can still be best friends. I've come to understand what the definition of "friend" really is.

In the past year I've fallen into "love", out of "love", had my heartbroken, I've succeeded and I have failed. I've made mistakes and I have grown, I've seen what self-hatred can do to a person and I've seen people fall in love. I started a Quidditch team and I've made a fool out of myself. I've changed my style and cut my hair. I've graduated and gone off to school. I've started thinking about my future and what I want from it. I've fallen into traps, set them myself, and crawled my way out. I've puked and I've cried, I've bled and I have nearly given up. I've smoked a cigar and drank, tried new foods and run. I've lost myself and found myself at the bottom of a bottle staring me down. I've made poor choices and I've made good ones. I've read fabulous books and made fabulous friends.

When 2010 ended, I was on the track to declaring my candidacy to be a fully ordained Elder in the Methodist Church, a resident of Park House, an official blood donor, a well-loved stage manager and star defense lawyer. I was officially legal (although I'm still not registered to vote... gotta get on that), I was at home with the people I loved, I had serious plans for my future, falling back in love with myself and starting to understand what it all means.

When 2011 started, I was ready to be me, to stop thinking that I can be anything else. I look at the next year with fear in my eyes but a determined heart. I'm ready for whatever is going to be thrown at me and I'm ready for it all.

I'm not the person I was as I watch the curtain get pulled back, I'm happier, and I will not hide my face when I think someone will judge me for my failure. I will take pride in my work, and all I give my heart to. I will give my heart to people who deserve it, and I will make YOU see the truth of who I am.

Happy New Year.
I love you all.