Plagiarism?

I promise with the new year I'll have an actual blog post--- but I think these two songs really sum up what I'm feeling! :)



Higher Window-
Josh Groban


For all the times I tried for this
And every chance at you I missed
I’ve been known to go my way
But I confess it made me miss you more

I drew my line across the sand
And set my flag in no-man’s-land
But here I am here I am, the one man band
With a song that’s meant for two

And there is a light from a higher window
Shining down on you tonight

And the music floats on the breeze
Bringing an easier time
And all of our cards are on the table
Tell me what you want to do
Just don’t tell me that it’s too late
For me to love you

How perfect we were meant to be
Our warm and silent symmetry
It’s times like these when all
All we need is to be reminded

Oh, and I’ve flown a thousand miles
To empty room and crowded aisles
And we went from cathedral bells
To show-and-tell and wish-you-wells
And I still look at you and I am blinded I am blinded

Because there is a light from a higher window
Shining down on us tonight
And the music floats on the breeze
From an easier time

And all of our cards are on the table
Tell me what you want to do
Just don’t tell me that it’s too late
Don’t tell me that it’s too late now
Just don’t tell me that it’s too late
For me to love you


Raise Your Glass
P!nk
Right right, turn off the lights,
We're gonna lose our minds tonight,
What's the deal, yo?

I love when it's all too much,
5am turn the radio up
Where's the rock and roll?

Party Crasher,
Penny Snatcher,
Call me up if you want gangsta
Don't be fancy, just get dancey
Why so serious?

So raise your glass if you are wrong,
In all the right ways,
All my underdogs,
We will never be never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty dirty little freaks
Won't you come on and come on and raise your glass,
Just come on and come on and raise your glass

Slam slam, oh hot damn
What part of party don't you understand,
Wish you'd just freak out (freak out already)
Can't stop, coming in hot,
I should be locked up right on the spot
It's so on right now (so fuckin on right now)

Party Crasher,
Penny Snatcher,
Call me up if you want gangsta
Don't be fancy, just get dancey

Why so serious?

So raise your glass if you are wrong,
In all the right ways,
All my underdogs,
We will never be never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty dirty little freaks
Won't you come on and come on and raise your glass,
Just come on and come on and raise your glass
Won't you come on and come on and raise your glass,
Just come on and come on and raise your glass

(oh shit my glass is empty, that sucks)

So if you're too school for cool,
And you're treated like a fool,
You can choose to let it go
We can always, we can always,
Party on our own

(so raise your) So raise your glass if you are wrong,
In all the right ways,
All my underdogs,
We will never be never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty, dirty little freaks
So raise your glass if you are wrong,
In all the right ways,
All my underdogs,
We will never be never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty, dirty little freaks
Won't you come on and come on and raise your glass,
Just come on and come on and raise your glass
Won't you come on and come on and raise your glass,(for me)
Just come on and come on and raise your glass (for me)

It's always this time of year that my thoughts undo me. JG

Wow.

A lot has happened in the last hour or so, and I'm still sort of processing.

But I'm going to blog about what I was orginially going to blog about.

One of my good friends was telling me earlier about this girl who suddenly decided that she was desperatly in love with his roommate EVEN THOUGH HE TREATS HER LIKE SHIT.

PROBLEM.

My friend is a really really nice guy, very sweet and caring and understanding, and this girl turns around and berates him for that, even goes as far as telling him to change so that he is more like his roommate.

WHATTHEFUCKISUPWITHTHAT?

This is one of the reasons the good guys stop looking for the good girls, because they get bitched out for not being a jerk. GUESSWHAT LADY, I don't want the good guys to go bad, because I want to date a good guy, I want to marry a good guy, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a guy who treats me and women in general like a piecie of shit. I'm not sure when girls got this idea that JERKS are okay guys to date or marry or even give the time of day to, but its starting to make men doubt that there are good girls out there who want to date good guys.

So news flash good boys: THERE is at least one girl out there who actually wants to be with a good guy and not a jerk or an asshole or a douchebag.

And LADIES: Seriously?? You're just going to get hurt dating people who treat you like shit. Date a good guy, you'll be happier (oh and you DESERVE IT)

Which brings me to another thought:

ANOTHER one of my friends asked me if I was okay with no man in my life.

Which led me to think.

I am okay with not having a guy in my life right now. I love the holidays, its probably my favorite time of the year, but being alone on the holidays suck. Even though I have family and friends, not being in a relationship or with someone for this part of the year is really freakin sucky. BUT

then I realize that I'm okay with spending the holidays alone, even though I miss being in a relationship (in general and over the holidays) because I know at some point in the distant future I'll wind up with someone worth spending the holidays with.

I need someone who can handle me, keep up with me, and get the fact that I am not nor will I ever be typical. And to find someone like that, find someone who can actually connect with me and have our relationship legitimatley mean something, means that I am okay with being a little lonely these coming holidays, because eventually there will be someone who makes it worthwhile.

So dear future man that is that person-

I'm not going to mope around and wait for you. When we realize it's right we'll know. I'm okay with that. Please don't be a Jerk. I don't like that. :) Also. You're going to love my friends. Enjoy your holidays leading up to ours.

WORD. Okay. Cool.

I've known you all summer and you've rose above it all JG

Tomorrow I go home. . .

In less than 24 hours I'll be in my Dad's car, boxes in the back, driving the three hours back to New Jersey.

I thought I'd be okay with going home, in fact, that's all I've wanted for the past week and a half. I didn't think that going home would hurt like it does right now.

When I go home, I have to leave my best friend behind. I'm so used to seeing Kristen every single day, multiple times a day. I'm used to being able to come back to the house and see her and Hannah, without fail. And although the stress of finals has caused us not to see each other as much, it's going to be hard to not see her everyday.

It's funny to me in a way, because a lot of the roommate pairings here have ended rather dully. Most people aren't really close with their roommate, let alone able to call them their best friends. And here I am, with Kristen, my best friend and the real reason that I've been able to keep sane over the semester.

We've been through a lot together, good news, bad news, the ugly and the pretty. It's only brought us closer together.

I don't think either one of us really knew just how much we meant to each other until we realized I'm leaving tomorrow and we won't see each other for a month. . . . .

It kinda feels like when Siobhan went away to school before I did. . .

Typically, I leave Smith after Kristen and sometimes its only by a couple hours. Typically, I'm the one here without Kristen. But now things are turning tables and I'm leaving days before Kristen is. And I'm literally taking most of my stuff with me. Which means when she's in our room, my presence will be nearly gone. I'll be at home, in my own room, with my giant bed missing out little room with our two twin beds. We've become the norm for me. When my friends from home couldn't understand what was going on in my life, Kristen was always there for me.

We're a little protective of each other, constantly trying to make problems better, always there for each other, always having each other's backs. It's who we are and how our relationship has evolved.

So Kristen- I'm going to miss you, like crazy. You're my best friend here and one of my best friends overall, and its going to SUCK not seeing you everyday. (ponies)

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And now for something completely different

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HAPPY FINALS!!!

Sometimes you meet someone who helps you see your own light in a way you've never seen it shine before.

This is a paraphrase of something that my professor said in class today, it was taken from Lurianic Kabbalah.

She was talking in reference to an old beau of hers.

But I wonder . . .

Can it be applied in everyday life?

I've met lots of people who I am not involved romantically that have made me see my light shine like I've never seen it before.

But then again. . .

The people I've wanted to be with normally are the ones who make me see myself in a totally different way. And what do you do then? Do you run off and forget reason? Or do you contain it? But then the light that you have in your is going to explode like in Katy Perry's new song.

But what about the other people? How can I claim something to them? One of my really great friends Danny is one of those people for me . . . and yet we have the WORST relationship in the world, and I cannot claim anything to him. He's not a brother, an ex, a lover. He's so much more than my friend, and yet our language does not have the words to encompass it all. Therefore I feel like he is fleeting in his moments with me, which nearly breaks my heart because I don't want him to leave my life.

That light???

What if I'm destined to be alone? To never experience that?

There is another belief in Lurianic Kabbalah that states that people's souls have roots, and sometimes two people will have the same soul root.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FIND THAT PERSON?

or even scarier

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU NEVER DO?

I'm drinking a crazy amount of tazo passion tea, waiting for my friends to text me back.
I'm not really sure what I'm feeling.
But I'm in help mode.

Believe me I'm not helpless. DC

let's rewind to Friday say, 530.

I'm supposed to be cooking dinner, but I'm not, because I'm in the car with Hannah and Kristen and we're headed to Stop and Shop to get meat for dinner. By the time we get back, we've blown so much time we can't cook in the kitchen because they're setting up for our house's winter weekend. Whatever. Kristen and I head over to the campus center to grab dinner before we go back to the house to get ready for the party. What are my expectations for this weekend at that moment? To get dressed up with my friends in horribly tacky outfits, have a little too much fun, pull a quick costume change, head over to the quad, dance my heart out (maybe with some boys?), grab pizza from downtown, fall asleep, wake up the next morning, go to brunch with the ladies, spend the day shopping downtown, come back to eat dinner and get ready for the next party, and pretty much repeat the night before.

What actually happened?
Kristen and I get back from dinner and we're thrust into quickly getting ready for this party, and we're starting off hard. And I just don't slow it down. When we manage to make it downstairs, its just in time for a co-ed acapella group to sing, one of whom looks just like the person I'm trying so damn hard not to think about. Great. But I forget about that as I make my way back up stairs where I continue to party hard, and wind up going too far. The next morning I wake up feeling like total crap, spend a couple hours feeling shitty but doing laundry, curling up on my bed to watch Life Unexpected (which also made me feel like the universe was killing me). Eventually though, Hannah comes up to pull me out of bed so we can go get the rest of the stuff to make latkes and dinner that i was supposed to make the night before. We end the night by eating dinner as a "Family" (Kristen, Hannah and me <3) and then latke making. A bunch of people come over to devour our deliciousness, and i head up to bed after learning some dance moves with Kristen. Today, I wake up, head off to church alone, go to breakfast, come back to my room to hunker down on studying, went to a Hebrew study session, dinner, more work, Vespers and now more work.

I've never felt better in my life. . . because it's been a weekend of revelations.

Friday was my wake-up call.

Sunday was my re-grounding.

I was starting to become the person I always hated in high school- partying every weekend, feeling like shit the next day, not getting work done until the last minute, spending too much time with my friends, not reading, not doing what I loved. And it's no one's fault but my own. I came to school thinking that I wanted to reinvent myself because no one here knew who I was in high school. Naturally, I'm an introvert, I like to hang out alone, I like to read alone, I love to study and understand new things, but I got to school and tried to cover some of that stuff up with this extrovert person (who I am to an extent) and turned it into never wanting to be alone, never being able to step back and say you know what I really don't want to party this weekend. I began to do things because I thought that's what normal college kids did.

But guess what

I'm not a regular college kid. I go to one of the most prestigious schools in the country and I'm letting myself fall into a trap of masking who I really am and not honoring that. I want people to see me as the mature, stable, level-headed person I know I am instead of the girl who parties every night of every weekend. Don't get me wrong, I'm not completly swearing off having a good time, I'm just realizing that I can decrease it to a more managable scale.

I don't want this to turn in to what it used to be for me, that when I looked in the mirror I couldn't recognize who I was any more. I want to be able to look in the mirror and say, yeah that's right you're a bad ass because you stayed true to who you are.

I don't know why I constantly try to bring myself down to everyone else in my age group's level. I'm not sure why I think that I need to be "that person" instead of being me.

But I can't let that happen to me anymore.

I'm not your average 18 year old.
I'm never going to be like the people my age, my soul is too old.
I'm coming to terms with that. . . can you?

Going to church this morning really helped me remember why I'm here. It honestly gave me time to reflect and worship and understand more and more. I can't keep pretending that I'm some one I'm not. No matter what stress is thrown at me, no matter what drama I have to endure, I can't try to be someone I'm not. I literally hit rock bottom this weekend, and I'm climbing up again.

I get to sit in my room, wearing my wet hair in a bun, flannel pj bottoms and a long sleeve t-shirt. I get to feel the RSVP pen in my hand and I get to study things that I love. This is who I am. I like to read and knit and drink tea (especially tazo passion tea). I like coffee shops and libraries, I love Advent and Christmas. I'm never going to be the typical college kid and I'm proud of that now.

I love life.

I'm learning what it truly means to be happy, and not the working definition I had earlier this year.

. . .

THE UNIVERSE IS KILLING ME.

thanks :)

Icky

this is about to get seriously personal . . . if you're uncomfortable knowing too much about me, stop reading now. If you're going to judge me, get off my blog :)

They say that there are two sides to every story, and the same rings true for people. I know it especially rings true for me. There are two parts to who I am and depending on who you are and what our relationship is like, you might know a different part of both sides.

Side number one:
The confident collected cool never caring what people think side, my secure I don't give a fuck what you think about me, and I could care less. The side of me that's okay with being loud and crazy and sexy. It's the side that wants to be bad, the side that wants there to be something totally seductive to the rest of the world. It's the side of me that wants to be everything i've been afraid to be, to embrace the inner sexy person that I am. This is the side of me that engages in most of the typical college experience, the one that makes interesting decisions sometimes but lives life in every moment. This is the side of me that comes off as a bitch, the side that's not afraid to confront you and deal with you. It's my side that i live with most days, the part of me that can be stand off-ish or evasive because I'd rather deal with that than have to confront the consequences. It's the side that makes me a personable person, the side that makes me deal.

Side number two:
My inner questioner. The side that will not let anything just happen, the side that keeps questioning everything that goes on. This is the side of me that's afraid, the side of me that doesn't want me to get too close to another person for utter fear of being hurt. This is the side of me that deals with abandonment issues and reject problems. This is my weaker side. The side that curls up to hide. The side that is emotional and totally raw. It's at my core, always present, never leaving. It's the side with the weak self esteem, the side that cares more about people than they care about me. It's the side that gets hurt and the side that cries. It's where I do my best.

And then there's the person I strive hardest to me- a healthy combination of the two sides, a little sexy, a little confident, a little cautious, a little afraid, a little crazy. It's the glory of having different sides.

There are times though when it gets in the way, when one side takes control of the other and I wind up in a funk.

This posting's a little. . . weird. not where i thought I'd go but i have a lot going on in my mind right now and more has just been added.

It's harry potter time

with my cozy bankie :)

I would wind up sitting alone watching a movie on the one night i didnt want to be alone

my mind is a jumbled mess
with things creeping and crawling
threatening to unleash themselves in my real world
Spinning turning wailing
attempting to call me back
to where i cant belong.

There's a lot going on right now, I'm trying to figure out how to balance school and friends and how to keep myself from going absolutley bonkers. Im using my writing to try and flesh out all my emotions. To talk about everything i thought that i could never articulate, this blog is for me. While I love the fact that you read this, please understand that these words are literally mine and they are raw. I might jump around, I might not make sense, but it's 100% truly me.

Relationships-

Friends, lovers, boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends, worst enemies, they're all relationships. There's something painful about them, there's something beautiful about them. There are ups and downs and you have to work every single day at it, but you need equal footing. In order to be in a relationship, of any type, you need to be able to be on equal footing, understand that even if you try as hard as you can to make a difference in another person's life, if that's all your relationship is built on it will fall apart. If I give too much of myself in a relationship, I'm going to burn out and walk away from the relationship. I can't keep giving and giving and being there for people who are going to walk all over me. At some point, the other person needs pick themselves up and deal with what's going on in their lives. I can't fix everyone, and I can't be with people who don't want to help themselves. I've been with men who I have given my whole emotional self to, just to have them throw it back in my face. I have this problem where I care more about a person than they care about me. Its something i deal with on a regular basis. But im learning there's a point where i need to walk away. No matter how much I care about the other person, I can only deal with someone hurting me so much before I realize it's hurting my well-being. Well, at least I can do that with my friends. Hand me someone I'm interested and I am totally different. I'll keep my guard up, but at the same time constantly berate myself for being so interested in something that's never going to happen. Eventually I'll walk away. . . but most of the time I don't want to.

I wish that people could see that there's so much more to being in a "relationship" than just the physical sexual side of it, that in order to be with someone, totally and fully with someone you need to be able to be honest with them, to tell them the truth no matter what, but at the same time care as deeply about them as you do yourself. Meaning that when you start feeling like something's wrong or that you're trying much harder than the other, you need to have a conversation because what will happen is you will only wind up hurting yourself. In order to love someone else you need to love yourself, which means you need to know when to walk away. And that can hurt, and it can change what you believe, but its the truth.

Love is a verb that never ends. You can fall in love, but you'll never fall out of love, your love just changes over time. I still love people I've broken up with, people I've fallen out of touch with, people I can never be with again. I'm not in love with them, they're not stopping me from finding some one else, but it doesn't mean I don't still care about them and think about them from time to time and wish the best for them. I want to love unconditionally, love with no bounds and no restraints.

I don't want to save you
I don't want you to save me
I just want you to be there for me
As I want to be there for you
I want this to be love
Equal, wholesome, intimate
I want you to see that I'm not just who you thought I was
That there's so much more to me that just what convention tells you.
I want this to make sense and I want this to sound crazy.
I want to love you, and to be loved by you.
Is the way it was meant to be perhaps?

It's Advent. Life should be joyous.
<3