Plagiarism?

I promise with the new year I'll have an actual blog post--- but I think these two songs really sum up what I'm feeling! :)



Higher Window-
Josh Groban


For all the times I tried for this
And every chance at you I missed
I’ve been known to go my way
But I confess it made me miss you more

I drew my line across the sand
And set my flag in no-man’s-land
But here I am here I am, the one man band
With a song that’s meant for two

And there is a light from a higher window
Shining down on you tonight

And the music floats on the breeze
Bringing an easier time
And all of our cards are on the table
Tell me what you want to do
Just don’t tell me that it’s too late
For me to love you

How perfect we were meant to be
Our warm and silent symmetry
It’s times like these when all
All we need is to be reminded

Oh, and I’ve flown a thousand miles
To empty room and crowded aisles
And we went from cathedral bells
To show-and-tell and wish-you-wells
And I still look at you and I am blinded I am blinded

Because there is a light from a higher window
Shining down on us tonight
And the music floats on the breeze
From an easier time

And all of our cards are on the table
Tell me what you want to do
Just don’t tell me that it’s too late
Don’t tell me that it’s too late now
Just don’t tell me that it’s too late
For me to love you


Raise Your Glass
P!nk
Right right, turn off the lights,
We're gonna lose our minds tonight,
What's the deal, yo?

I love when it's all too much,
5am turn the radio up
Where's the rock and roll?

Party Crasher,
Penny Snatcher,
Call me up if you want gangsta
Don't be fancy, just get dancey
Why so serious?

So raise your glass if you are wrong,
In all the right ways,
All my underdogs,
We will never be never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty dirty little freaks
Won't you come on and come on and raise your glass,
Just come on and come on and raise your glass

Slam slam, oh hot damn
What part of party don't you understand,
Wish you'd just freak out (freak out already)
Can't stop, coming in hot,
I should be locked up right on the spot
It's so on right now (so fuckin on right now)

Party Crasher,
Penny Snatcher,
Call me up if you want gangsta
Don't be fancy, just get dancey

Why so serious?

So raise your glass if you are wrong,
In all the right ways,
All my underdogs,
We will never be never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty dirty little freaks
Won't you come on and come on and raise your glass,
Just come on and come on and raise your glass
Won't you come on and come on and raise your glass,
Just come on and come on and raise your glass

(oh shit my glass is empty, that sucks)

So if you're too school for cool,
And you're treated like a fool,
You can choose to let it go
We can always, we can always,
Party on our own

(so raise your) So raise your glass if you are wrong,
In all the right ways,
All my underdogs,
We will never be never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty, dirty little freaks
So raise your glass if you are wrong,
In all the right ways,
All my underdogs,
We will never be never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty, dirty little freaks
Won't you come on and come on and raise your glass,
Just come on and come on and raise your glass
Won't you come on and come on and raise your glass,(for me)
Just come on and come on and raise your glass (for me)

It's always this time of year that my thoughts undo me. JG

Wow.

A lot has happened in the last hour or so, and I'm still sort of processing.

But I'm going to blog about what I was orginially going to blog about.

One of my good friends was telling me earlier about this girl who suddenly decided that she was desperatly in love with his roommate EVEN THOUGH HE TREATS HER LIKE SHIT.

PROBLEM.

My friend is a really really nice guy, very sweet and caring and understanding, and this girl turns around and berates him for that, even goes as far as telling him to change so that he is more like his roommate.

WHATTHEFUCKISUPWITHTHAT?

This is one of the reasons the good guys stop looking for the good girls, because they get bitched out for not being a jerk. GUESSWHAT LADY, I don't want the good guys to go bad, because I want to date a good guy, I want to marry a good guy, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a guy who treats me and women in general like a piecie of shit. I'm not sure when girls got this idea that JERKS are okay guys to date or marry or even give the time of day to, but its starting to make men doubt that there are good girls out there who want to date good guys.

So news flash good boys: THERE is at least one girl out there who actually wants to be with a good guy and not a jerk or an asshole or a douchebag.

And LADIES: Seriously?? You're just going to get hurt dating people who treat you like shit. Date a good guy, you'll be happier (oh and you DESERVE IT)

Which brings me to another thought:

ANOTHER one of my friends asked me if I was okay with no man in my life.

Which led me to think.

I am okay with not having a guy in my life right now. I love the holidays, its probably my favorite time of the year, but being alone on the holidays suck. Even though I have family and friends, not being in a relationship or with someone for this part of the year is really freakin sucky. BUT

then I realize that I'm okay with spending the holidays alone, even though I miss being in a relationship (in general and over the holidays) because I know at some point in the distant future I'll wind up with someone worth spending the holidays with.

I need someone who can handle me, keep up with me, and get the fact that I am not nor will I ever be typical. And to find someone like that, find someone who can actually connect with me and have our relationship legitimatley mean something, means that I am okay with being a little lonely these coming holidays, because eventually there will be someone who makes it worthwhile.

So dear future man that is that person-

I'm not going to mope around and wait for you. When we realize it's right we'll know. I'm okay with that. Please don't be a Jerk. I don't like that. :) Also. You're going to love my friends. Enjoy your holidays leading up to ours.

WORD. Okay. Cool.

I've known you all summer and you've rose above it all JG

Tomorrow I go home. . .

In less than 24 hours I'll be in my Dad's car, boxes in the back, driving the three hours back to New Jersey.

I thought I'd be okay with going home, in fact, that's all I've wanted for the past week and a half. I didn't think that going home would hurt like it does right now.

When I go home, I have to leave my best friend behind. I'm so used to seeing Kristen every single day, multiple times a day. I'm used to being able to come back to the house and see her and Hannah, without fail. And although the stress of finals has caused us not to see each other as much, it's going to be hard to not see her everyday.

It's funny to me in a way, because a lot of the roommate pairings here have ended rather dully. Most people aren't really close with their roommate, let alone able to call them their best friends. And here I am, with Kristen, my best friend and the real reason that I've been able to keep sane over the semester.

We've been through a lot together, good news, bad news, the ugly and the pretty. It's only brought us closer together.

I don't think either one of us really knew just how much we meant to each other until we realized I'm leaving tomorrow and we won't see each other for a month. . . . .

It kinda feels like when Siobhan went away to school before I did. . .

Typically, I leave Smith after Kristen and sometimes its only by a couple hours. Typically, I'm the one here without Kristen. But now things are turning tables and I'm leaving days before Kristen is. And I'm literally taking most of my stuff with me. Which means when she's in our room, my presence will be nearly gone. I'll be at home, in my own room, with my giant bed missing out little room with our two twin beds. We've become the norm for me. When my friends from home couldn't understand what was going on in my life, Kristen was always there for me.

We're a little protective of each other, constantly trying to make problems better, always there for each other, always having each other's backs. It's who we are and how our relationship has evolved.

So Kristen- I'm going to miss you, like crazy. You're my best friend here and one of my best friends overall, and its going to SUCK not seeing you everyday. (ponies)

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

And now for something completely different

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

HAPPY FINALS!!!

Sometimes you meet someone who helps you see your own light in a way you've never seen it shine before.

This is a paraphrase of something that my professor said in class today, it was taken from Lurianic Kabbalah.

She was talking in reference to an old beau of hers.

But I wonder . . .

Can it be applied in everyday life?

I've met lots of people who I am not involved romantically that have made me see my light shine like I've never seen it before.

But then again. . .

The people I've wanted to be with normally are the ones who make me see myself in a totally different way. And what do you do then? Do you run off and forget reason? Or do you contain it? But then the light that you have in your is going to explode like in Katy Perry's new song.

But what about the other people? How can I claim something to them? One of my really great friends Danny is one of those people for me . . . and yet we have the WORST relationship in the world, and I cannot claim anything to him. He's not a brother, an ex, a lover. He's so much more than my friend, and yet our language does not have the words to encompass it all. Therefore I feel like he is fleeting in his moments with me, which nearly breaks my heart because I don't want him to leave my life.

That light???

What if I'm destined to be alone? To never experience that?

There is another belief in Lurianic Kabbalah that states that people's souls have roots, and sometimes two people will have the same soul root.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FIND THAT PERSON?

or even scarier

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU NEVER DO?

I'm drinking a crazy amount of tazo passion tea, waiting for my friends to text me back.
I'm not really sure what I'm feeling.
But I'm in help mode.

Believe me I'm not helpless. DC

let's rewind to Friday say, 530.

I'm supposed to be cooking dinner, but I'm not, because I'm in the car with Hannah and Kristen and we're headed to Stop and Shop to get meat for dinner. By the time we get back, we've blown so much time we can't cook in the kitchen because they're setting up for our house's winter weekend. Whatever. Kristen and I head over to the campus center to grab dinner before we go back to the house to get ready for the party. What are my expectations for this weekend at that moment? To get dressed up with my friends in horribly tacky outfits, have a little too much fun, pull a quick costume change, head over to the quad, dance my heart out (maybe with some boys?), grab pizza from downtown, fall asleep, wake up the next morning, go to brunch with the ladies, spend the day shopping downtown, come back to eat dinner and get ready for the next party, and pretty much repeat the night before.

What actually happened?
Kristen and I get back from dinner and we're thrust into quickly getting ready for this party, and we're starting off hard. And I just don't slow it down. When we manage to make it downstairs, its just in time for a co-ed acapella group to sing, one of whom looks just like the person I'm trying so damn hard not to think about. Great. But I forget about that as I make my way back up stairs where I continue to party hard, and wind up going too far. The next morning I wake up feeling like total crap, spend a couple hours feeling shitty but doing laundry, curling up on my bed to watch Life Unexpected (which also made me feel like the universe was killing me). Eventually though, Hannah comes up to pull me out of bed so we can go get the rest of the stuff to make latkes and dinner that i was supposed to make the night before. We end the night by eating dinner as a "Family" (Kristen, Hannah and me <3) and then latke making. A bunch of people come over to devour our deliciousness, and i head up to bed after learning some dance moves with Kristen. Today, I wake up, head off to church alone, go to breakfast, come back to my room to hunker down on studying, went to a Hebrew study session, dinner, more work, Vespers and now more work.

I've never felt better in my life. . . because it's been a weekend of revelations.

Friday was my wake-up call.

Sunday was my re-grounding.

I was starting to become the person I always hated in high school- partying every weekend, feeling like shit the next day, not getting work done until the last minute, spending too much time with my friends, not reading, not doing what I loved. And it's no one's fault but my own. I came to school thinking that I wanted to reinvent myself because no one here knew who I was in high school. Naturally, I'm an introvert, I like to hang out alone, I like to read alone, I love to study and understand new things, but I got to school and tried to cover some of that stuff up with this extrovert person (who I am to an extent) and turned it into never wanting to be alone, never being able to step back and say you know what I really don't want to party this weekend. I began to do things because I thought that's what normal college kids did.

But guess what

I'm not a regular college kid. I go to one of the most prestigious schools in the country and I'm letting myself fall into a trap of masking who I really am and not honoring that. I want people to see me as the mature, stable, level-headed person I know I am instead of the girl who parties every night of every weekend. Don't get me wrong, I'm not completly swearing off having a good time, I'm just realizing that I can decrease it to a more managable scale.

I don't want this to turn in to what it used to be for me, that when I looked in the mirror I couldn't recognize who I was any more. I want to be able to look in the mirror and say, yeah that's right you're a bad ass because you stayed true to who you are.

I don't know why I constantly try to bring myself down to everyone else in my age group's level. I'm not sure why I think that I need to be "that person" instead of being me.

But I can't let that happen to me anymore.

I'm not your average 18 year old.
I'm never going to be like the people my age, my soul is too old.
I'm coming to terms with that. . . can you?

Going to church this morning really helped me remember why I'm here. It honestly gave me time to reflect and worship and understand more and more. I can't keep pretending that I'm some one I'm not. No matter what stress is thrown at me, no matter what drama I have to endure, I can't try to be someone I'm not. I literally hit rock bottom this weekend, and I'm climbing up again.

I get to sit in my room, wearing my wet hair in a bun, flannel pj bottoms and a long sleeve t-shirt. I get to feel the RSVP pen in my hand and I get to study things that I love. This is who I am. I like to read and knit and drink tea (especially tazo passion tea). I like coffee shops and libraries, I love Advent and Christmas. I'm never going to be the typical college kid and I'm proud of that now.

I love life.

I'm learning what it truly means to be happy, and not the working definition I had earlier this year.

. . .

THE UNIVERSE IS KILLING ME.

thanks :)

Icky

this is about to get seriously personal . . . if you're uncomfortable knowing too much about me, stop reading now. If you're going to judge me, get off my blog :)

They say that there are two sides to every story, and the same rings true for people. I know it especially rings true for me. There are two parts to who I am and depending on who you are and what our relationship is like, you might know a different part of both sides.

Side number one:
The confident collected cool never caring what people think side, my secure I don't give a fuck what you think about me, and I could care less. The side of me that's okay with being loud and crazy and sexy. It's the side that wants to be bad, the side that wants there to be something totally seductive to the rest of the world. It's the side of me that wants to be everything i've been afraid to be, to embrace the inner sexy person that I am. This is the side of me that engages in most of the typical college experience, the one that makes interesting decisions sometimes but lives life in every moment. This is the side of me that comes off as a bitch, the side that's not afraid to confront you and deal with you. It's my side that i live with most days, the part of me that can be stand off-ish or evasive because I'd rather deal with that than have to confront the consequences. It's the side that makes me a personable person, the side that makes me deal.

Side number two:
My inner questioner. The side that will not let anything just happen, the side that keeps questioning everything that goes on. This is the side of me that's afraid, the side of me that doesn't want me to get too close to another person for utter fear of being hurt. This is the side of me that deals with abandonment issues and reject problems. This is my weaker side. The side that curls up to hide. The side that is emotional and totally raw. It's at my core, always present, never leaving. It's the side with the weak self esteem, the side that cares more about people than they care about me. It's the side that gets hurt and the side that cries. It's where I do my best.

And then there's the person I strive hardest to me- a healthy combination of the two sides, a little sexy, a little confident, a little cautious, a little afraid, a little crazy. It's the glory of having different sides.

There are times though when it gets in the way, when one side takes control of the other and I wind up in a funk.

This posting's a little. . . weird. not where i thought I'd go but i have a lot going on in my mind right now and more has just been added.

It's harry potter time

with my cozy bankie :)

I would wind up sitting alone watching a movie on the one night i didnt want to be alone

my mind is a jumbled mess
with things creeping and crawling
threatening to unleash themselves in my real world
Spinning turning wailing
attempting to call me back
to where i cant belong.

There's a lot going on right now, I'm trying to figure out how to balance school and friends and how to keep myself from going absolutley bonkers. Im using my writing to try and flesh out all my emotions. To talk about everything i thought that i could never articulate, this blog is for me. While I love the fact that you read this, please understand that these words are literally mine and they are raw. I might jump around, I might not make sense, but it's 100% truly me.

Relationships-

Friends, lovers, boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends, worst enemies, they're all relationships. There's something painful about them, there's something beautiful about them. There are ups and downs and you have to work every single day at it, but you need equal footing. In order to be in a relationship, of any type, you need to be able to be on equal footing, understand that even if you try as hard as you can to make a difference in another person's life, if that's all your relationship is built on it will fall apart. If I give too much of myself in a relationship, I'm going to burn out and walk away from the relationship. I can't keep giving and giving and being there for people who are going to walk all over me. At some point, the other person needs pick themselves up and deal with what's going on in their lives. I can't fix everyone, and I can't be with people who don't want to help themselves. I've been with men who I have given my whole emotional self to, just to have them throw it back in my face. I have this problem where I care more about a person than they care about me. Its something i deal with on a regular basis. But im learning there's a point where i need to walk away. No matter how much I care about the other person, I can only deal with someone hurting me so much before I realize it's hurting my well-being. Well, at least I can do that with my friends. Hand me someone I'm interested and I am totally different. I'll keep my guard up, but at the same time constantly berate myself for being so interested in something that's never going to happen. Eventually I'll walk away. . . but most of the time I don't want to.

I wish that people could see that there's so much more to being in a "relationship" than just the physical sexual side of it, that in order to be with someone, totally and fully with someone you need to be able to be honest with them, to tell them the truth no matter what, but at the same time care as deeply about them as you do yourself. Meaning that when you start feeling like something's wrong or that you're trying much harder than the other, you need to have a conversation because what will happen is you will only wind up hurting yourself. In order to love someone else you need to love yourself, which means you need to know when to walk away. And that can hurt, and it can change what you believe, but its the truth.

Love is a verb that never ends. You can fall in love, but you'll never fall out of love, your love just changes over time. I still love people I've broken up with, people I've fallen out of touch with, people I can never be with again. I'm not in love with them, they're not stopping me from finding some one else, but it doesn't mean I don't still care about them and think about them from time to time and wish the best for them. I want to love unconditionally, love with no bounds and no restraints.

I don't want to save you
I don't want you to save me
I just want you to be there for me
As I want to be there for you
I want this to be love
Equal, wholesome, intimate
I want you to see that I'm not just who you thought I was
That there's so much more to me that just what convention tells you.
I want this to make sense and I want this to sound crazy.
I want to love you, and to be loved by you.
Is the way it was meant to be perhaps?

It's Advent. Life should be joyous.
<3

It's a List. . .

I like lists, a lot. They help keep me focused and organized, my friends and I just made a list of things to do before we graduate, and it's hanging on my wall :) I've decided to make ANOTHER bucket list since I lost the one I made in physics last year. (Yes, my table did spend an entire week in physics making bucket lists. Wanna know what I remember? Light. I remember light and when they set that yard stick on fire. . . i do kind of miss physics. . . )

Things to do before I die:

1. Fall in love with someone who loves me
2. Live without any regrets
3. Get into seminary, graduate and be a Methodist Minister
4. Learn how to ski!
5. Learn to surf
6. See a miracle happen
7. Change someone's life
8. Have sex on a grand piano
9. Write something that gets published
10. Become a mentor
11. Get married :)
12. Have kids
13. Get a german Shephard (name him/her Goober?)
14. Write a memior
15. Go to Jerusalem
16. Go to Italy
17. sleep under the stars
18. bungee jump
19. Take a risk
20. Move someone emotionally
21. Make a difference
22. Have a song dedicated to me
23. Meet Josh Groban <3
24. Defy social expectations
25. Prove someone wrong
26. Watch the sun rise over the ocean
27. Kiss someone in the pouring rain


There will be more :D

because it never goes the way you want it to

So.
Tonight was supposed to be about me chilling out, relaxing and being on my own.

I had a night lecture, so when i came home all my friends assumed i was doing homework. and my roommates's at hockey practice so I am alone. I took a shower, opened up my laptop, im finishing Harry Potter chamber of secrets. It's glorious. And then while I'm aIMing with my friend, and up pops the question about a note a wrote on facebook. The question read- Would you kiss the last person you texted? and on facebook I just wrote tee hee. Which then sparks a whole thing about me never really being direct in my answers, which of course is true. BUT i don't normally flirt like this (oh yes, I'm flirting with him hardcore.) I like direct answers, even whilst flirting, normally i can manage both but for some reason I haven't been.

Which makes means I'm switching it up. I'm spending tonight (whatever is left of it) answering any questions people are going to throw at me. And I'm going to try and be more direct with what I'm doing and saying. I'm not necessarily going to GIVE away my answers, nor am I going to skirt around everything someone asks. It's time to whip a few new tricks and re-evaluate the way i approach things. Because quite honestly. . . I'm tired of trying to always come up with evasive answers.

WHICH
i do because I'm afraid. HAH. haven't admitted that one in a while. I'm legitimately afraid to be more direct because im afraid of loosing my chances or loosing what I have now. I'm big on living with no regrets. I've made some stupid mistakes before, and I've done things I'm not entirely proud of, but I don't regret them. They've all come together to make me who I am today. And even though not even a few weeks ago, I was telling said friend that sometimes its better just to throw your inhibitions to the wind, take the chance and just go for it without thinking about what every one else thinks, I'm having a hard time practicing what I preach. Which is true for several reasons. Am I entirely comfortable with laying it all out right now? No I'm not. Will I? Not entirely but I will admit that I have some serious thinking that needs to be done. Perhaps in a later post I'll be more comfortable hashing it all out. I'm afraid because if I admit to too much, then I could loose it or I could scare it away or I could wind up loosing everything I've ever wanted (and this is in several regards, not just one). And I love that things have been said without actually being said and I've indirectly admitted to things that I've never actually come out and said. But I will answer the latest question. If I had the opportunity I'd so kiss you. haha. Anyway, back to what i was trying to ramble about here. A night that was supposed to be mine, a night that was supposed to be about forgetting problems and just enjoying my solitude has turned into a night of raw honesty, of tossing and turning, of having to think now for hours. Which will do wonders for my sleep patterns. I have an hour of black and white honesty left. A few more moments reflection on whatever any one wants to know. After tonight, I will continue to be more direct, and take those risks, and hope for the best. SOLITUDE. You're a crappy partner.

Repition?

I have this horrible obsessive habit where I will listen to one song over and over again. . . on repeat for days.

But that stirs things in me.

Things I cannot articulate for numerous reasons, but they're there

swimming under the surface

making me anxious

and freaked out

and constantly feeling like i need to be doing something.

I just changed the song, but i don't know what that's going to do for me. Things are swirling in me, confusion and parts of me and sides of me that I haven't dealt with yet. All I want to do is fall asleep.

Part of me
Is living too much in the future, wanting so much to happen that part of me is ready for. that i want so badly to happen.

Part of me
Wants to tell you to throw conviction to the wind

but another part of me
doesn't want to loose you

A part of me is ready for this right now
a part of my isn't sure

There's this gnawing feeling in me
that wants to operate as I normally do
but there's an equal force that is telling me not to
because it could just end this all

And there's this part of me
that wants to find someone else
but. . .
another part of me that can't fathom it.

All these conflictions, contradictions and so much more float around me, challenging me beckoning me.

I'm not sure which side I will choose
or if there is a choice. . .

Love Only Knows- Prologue

There was a moment when his hand slid down my back and his fingers played at the belt loops of my jeans that I thought I was not going to make it home that night. When his deep brown eyes locked with mine it was as if we were seeing each other for the first time, trying to explore every inch of each soul with just one look. I bit my lip, and his forefinger outlined my jaw line.

“I, I can’t not like this, not now.” I whispered as my hand reached up to his chest and pushed slightly away.

“I understand.” He spoke in response, biting at his own lip and backing a half a step. He leaned down and kissed my forehead lightly. With a look of regret in my eyes, I turned and left him standing on the stoop of his building.

Instead of calling a cab to take me back to my house, I started to walk towards home, pulling my cell phone out of my black coat and hitting speed dial 3. Luckily Kirsten answered on the first ring.

“Ari? Hey are you okay it’s like two a.m.”

“Yeah. I’m on my way back from Dan’s.”

“And? How’d it go?” Kirsten was filled with the anticipation that something good was going to come out of this.

“Uh. Well. Kirsten I really don’t know. Most social conventions are telling me that this just isn’t right, and I can’t really tell if we’re in love or what love really is.”

“Ari, what are you talking about? All you do is talk about Dan.”

“I know. And I really do like him. Dan’s amazing, and one of my closest friends.”

“Hon, I’ve been telling you this for a while, Dan’s the right guy for you, you just need to take this chance.”

“But it’s so wrong!”

“SERIOUSLY?” After over a year of this constant banter Kirsten had to have been getting tired of my inability to decipher what I wanted. “Do you want me to bring up the 313 night?”

“Come on, I was drunk, Kirsten. You can’t throw that back in my face.”

“Yeah. And when you drink you always tell the truth, whatever is on your mind no matter what.”

“We can deal with this when I get home. Maybe I just need to walk this off.” I hung up the phone without waiting for Kirsten’s response. She was right. She always was.

I found a park bench and sat down, dropped my head in my hands and tried to remember that night Kirsten loved to bring up.

Dear John- TS

I'm on a Taylor Swift Kick for the Moment and this is the song that's on right now. :D

Let's talk about driving.

I love driving and hate that I can't do it at school but it makes it so much sweeter when I can pull out of the brentwood plaza with my windows down playing Josh as loud as it can go. I love feeling the power of the acceleration when i press my foot even just slightly. That feeling of being totally in control and yet totally out of control exhilarates me.

I can be a slight control freak. . . ask any one of my friends or people I've worked with in the past. I've found that if something's going to be done right, I need to do it myself. However, if you ever really want to see me at my most. . . uninhibited, it's when someone else is in control. Especially when it comes to relationships and driving. Seriously, just take the lead, I'll stop you when you've crossed over, men. <3

And now for something completely different. . .

I am staying in tonight. . . in my flannel pajama pants I will cook dinner and hang out with my family and play board games and just chill. I will not put any more make-up on, or lace my shoes again or fake a smile because I've decided not to go to the "reunion" I'm supposed to go to.

Why did I decide against it?

Honestly because I'd be going to go see people that I never hung out with in high school, that didn't like me in high school and that quite frankly i didn't like in high school. The only reason I would be going is to prove some stupid point. Last year, I was hurt by the fact that I was never invited to events like these by the same people. And now? I could care less. In fact I'm glad that I never hung out with them because a lot of them are insecure about themselves and being around them makes me feel insecure.

So I will knit, and read, and watch a movie and blog and chat and BE ME because I understand that's all i can offer the world. I'm an old soul and I know that. I prefer in depth real conversation as compared to superficial talk. Tomorrow I will hang out with real friends and then come home to cook thanksgiving (take 2) with my family because of how much i miss cooking, and I will practice my skills in that department while we listen to music and remember why we are all truly thankful. Sunday I'll head back to school where I will fall back into who I really am while I pine for what may not happen but I want desperately to. I'll keep in touch with the people i want to and I'll realize that i am happy.

And i realize that i am surrounded by love at school. the unconditional love that flows from my friends and that I work everyday to achieve. One day, someone will realize that I'm everything he needs and we will fall in love and I will settle down and have my dream wedding and be even happier. I'm done looking around for a boy, especially now that I've found someone that I know would be amazing in ever regard. I'm going to let come what will, and continue to live my life and have experiences that will continue to shape me and let love come to me. I will smile and bite my lip when I think about it, but I will not define myself by it.

I will make my self happy before all because if I'm not happy I cannot make anyone else happy- So I will drive fast, find a man to take the lead, cook in flannel, hang with my family, decide against reunions that only prove a point.

And

I will be happy <3

What's the Dealio?

There's this unspoken rule in my family that says that unless you are serious with someone, do not bring them to extended family functions. Seriously, its just a bad idea for your relationship. I have yet to bring a boy around my extended family, and i do that partially because I'm afraid of what the experience will do to him. . . and partially because of how I feel around my extended family. Let's be honest here, I'm doing well for myself. I love my life, I'm making amazing friends, I'm going to an AMAZING school, I have a wonderful course load and I love everything that's going on. Throw me into my extended family, around my cousins and my aunts and uncles, and all of a sudden I feel like im back in middle school.

My aunts and uncles are one thing, and I love them all dearly, but my cousins. . . I guess its because I've spent so much of my life wanting to be accepted by them, that i thought being in college would change all of that. Obviously it has not. I still awkwardly sit at the dinner table, begging for the meal to be over, or at least praying in my head that someone would let me sit with my grandmother. Because when I'm with my cousins (some of them) I feel like i need to live down to their level. I try desperately to find common ground with them about something, but it is nearly impossible. The longest conversation I had with one of my cousins tonight was talking about gorgeous bottles that she should collect?! Seriously? We all live not 40 minutes from each other, and yet we are all practically strangers.

I'm a confident person, I get cocky over things, I have pride in what I do, but leave me with ALL of my cousins for three hours and all of a sudden I feel like I'm not good enough. Which is stupid, because I'm doing much better than some of them. I'm not a drug dealer, I'm doing well in school and I actually have a goal in life. . . but it doesn't stop me from feeling like I'll never fit in with them. Granted, of the 17 of us, there are only a few who make me feel like this, irrational as it is. I've always wanted to have a strong relationship with my cousins, like the relationships I seem to see everywhere else, but it can be utterly impossible.

I've never brought someone around my family before, and my sister and I are already planning on what we're doing as we get older and start to form our own families. And there's a part of me that wants to find someone to bring with me to Thanksgiving dinner one year, but I'm truly understanding that in order to deal with my family, the person I bring around better be someone who is in it for the long haul. There's something so disgruntling about it that I actually do get a little nervous for that long away Thanksgiving.

HOWEVER:

I'm so thankful that I have the family that I do. I love my parents and my sister with all my heart, and I adore my grandmother and my aunts and uncles. There's even a lot of love for my cousins, but I'm trying to figure out how to be comfortable in my own skin around them.

For instance-
I'm going to be a Methodist Minister when I get older. Therefore my family last year decided that I needed to say grace. Do you know what it's like praying in front of a bunch of people who don't believe and who in fact have made negative comments about those who do believe? It's scary. Especially when you're trying to get used to the idea of verbal public prayer. In everything that I'm ready for to be a pastor, leading verbal public prayer in front of my family makes me want to crawl into a corner and cry. And it happens again this year. which freaks me out even more because there has been a lot of drama going on within our family. Maybe I'm afraid I won't say the right words? I'm not totally sure, but it still freaks me out. And I know there were several judging minds on me.

Another one-
Somewhere in our conversations tonight, the subject of me being the captain of the Quidditch team came up. And I kid you not there was a moment of utter silence when the words came out of mouth from my whole table. I don't think I've ever felt so judged in my whole life.

But yeah.

Still thankful for them <3


Hope you all had a lovely thanksgiving :)

Love only knows. . .

Love only knows if we'll give into fear and choose life undercover. < 3

There's this bizarre stigma people have about relationships, these weird set backs that keep people from truly engaging in what could be the best relationships. Just because the other person doesn't "fit the bill" to who you're supposed to go for or who the world thinks you should be going for, it doesn't mean you should walk away.

I've seen so many amazing potential relationships fizzle away because one of the parties is too afraid to take the risk. If you can be mature about it, most of those relationships turn out to be the ones that last forever. . . or at least a while. :)

It's about intimacy.

Being with someone is about being completely with them, mind body and soul.

Which is why, for me, I tend to gravitate toward older men. . .

because i came to a realization of what I want in a man.
I want someone who is NERDY. (seriously.)
I want someone who is intellectually stimulating and can actually hold a legitimate conversation with me. (I go to Smith because I like that kind of stuff)
I want someone who can be goofy and crazy when the time calls for it, but also serious and refined when the time calls for it.
I need someone who is both passionate and romantic. (enough said)
I want someone who has his shit together. I really don't have the energy to deal with a guy who has no direction in his life.
I want to be with someone who will banter with me, poke fun at me, challenge me and inspire me.
I want some one skilled. . . ;)
I want someone who is going to appreciate me and love me for who am, someone who finds me intriguing and fun to be around.
I want to be with the person who I trust.

And I've found one or two people who fit this. . .
and the setback?
Our relationships doesn't fit convention.
He doesn't date outside of his town because his town is safe, and the girls are all the same.

But Cupid give me a challenge, one that will reward me in the end

Will we choose life over laughter?

Love only knows. . . .

JG < 3

Changing Colors

It's been an interesting couple of days. . . and as per the usual, I'm sitting in my bed alone at 12 am thinking about everything that's been going on. Josh is playing in the background and his voice is calming me and directing me in a way that is unlike any other.

I'm learning how to let go, and I'm learning things much faster than I have in the past. And it's funny to think that this time last year I was pretty much going through the same sorts of emotions. I guess it's just a weird time? Or maybe the beginning of the school year just makes me crazy. But whatever. At the end of the day its all about emotion right? This time last year I was being strung along by a guy who could care less about me emotionally. I spent months pushing away feeling guilty about being "the other woman" in a sense because I thought that he was perfect for me. And I've just spent the past couple of days trying to make excuses for my behavior and another guys behavior just because I thought once we got over whatever our issues were things would be perfect.

Do I still believe it?

Yeah, if we ever got together I think we'd be a great couple. But I'm a Smithie. I'm badass and I don't put up with people's shit. I'm done chasing. I'd rather walk away with this having met a really great guy who has become a really good friend. As much as my emotions tend to get in the way, I need to realize I'm only going to break my own heart when things don't work out the way I want them to.

Can I deal with that?

I am. I've realized that the friends I've made this year are closer to me and will stick by me no matter what. We have an amazingly supportive group of friends here who band together despite everything and can be crazy and wild together. I've finally found a group of friends where I can let go and be crazy and be myself, while still having a group of friends who will be there for you when your life sucks and all you want to do is cry. My friend Jess made me a poster of projectile vomitting that I have hanging on my door, and a wonderful poster of gorgeous men that hangs over my bed. When I was feeling shitty, my friend Mariah opened her comfy bed to me just to lay in and feel sorry about myself. Bronte's always there for me when I need to talk or laugh because she just ate shit. And my best friend here and my roommate can sense when I just can't be alone. Can I tell you how awesome my friends are? They're there no matter what, and we just had a random dance party through the house. It took us a few weeks to get into a good rhythm but we've finally found each other.

I'm changing colors while I'm at Smith, I'm growing up and realizing that as much as I love being in a relationship, I'm not settling for someone who can settle with me. I can still have an amazing time without being with a boy. I honestly thought that by coming to Smith I was going to have to prove my "straightness" over and over again, but honestly, I just need to be me. My friends are my support beams, my music is my canvas, and my school work is my goal. I'm refocusing what i want out of this experience. I want to work hard and play hard. I want to change the world while having fun. I want to feel the spark of passion ignite in someone else. I want to write words that will make people think, change the way they think.

I'm going to be 18 in less than two weeks, and I'm finally ready to come into my own.

And I'm starting to actually understand what I need in my life. Amen to that :D

IFYC day one.

Im sitting on the floor of my hotel room in Washington DC after a very exhausting day. Up at 3 am to be ready to leave at 355? It doesn't feel real. Was I seriously on a plane today? It just doesn't seem to fit in the right way. But nevertheless, I'm here. I sat through less than an hour of workshops and then a dinner presentation. I shared in the Shabbat tonight, l listened to the most moving call to pray in Arabic. I have been meeting people from all walks of life, all steps of faith, be it Christian, Muslim, Jew, Humanist, Atheist, no religion. It's been amazing. I've been moved by every story I hear and every moment I share with someone. I've listen to people like Eboo Patel give witness as to why he believes in the mission. (And let me tell you that this man is now my HERO, seriously the guy is just so freaking wonderful). I cannot wait to start tomorrow (I guess now today).

I'm a little overwhelmed however. . . There's not much religious anything on our campus right now. In fact if you even suggest something with the word "faith" in it, an immediate wall is put up. I know the biggest challenge is going to be trying to get enough people on board with this movement that we actually do something.I don't want to fail at this, because I believe in this more than anything. I keep hearing everyone else's stories, so I guess I'll share mine:

I grew up in a small homogenous town where you were persecuted if you were different. I went through a lot during elementary school and middle school, only to truly find myself in high school. But all along, I've always known that I'm called to be a Methodist Pastor. However, through the years, that calling has been shaped and molded and made into what it is today, in essence, who I am today. I'm going to be fully ordained as an elder in the Methodist Church, but with God I will spend everyday of my life working towards Interfaith Tolerance. We live in the most religiously diverse nation in the world. We have so many rich cultures and traditions all around us. What people seem to forget that just because you understand, appreciate and respect another person's beliefs does not make you any less religious in our own beliefs. Jesus says "love unconditionally" how can I as a Christian love unconditionally if I hate on another group? That then makes me a hypocrite and no longer the faithful person I long to be. Therefore, no matter how scared I am, or how frustrated I get or how low I feel, I'm going to keep trucking at this campaign. I'm going to inspire people as I have been inspired and will continue to be inspired by the people at IFYC.

This whole experience is bringing me closer to God, Closer to my fellow man.

I want to live a life full of work done with IFYC. I want to see this blossom into what I know it can and should be.

For tonight? This is all. The dawn awaits yet another day filled with experiences and moments. I'm ready for them <3

Lady Gaga

Let me paint this scene for you-

I'm sitting in the lower basement of a library, I haven't seen anyone since I got here, the shelves by my carrell lights are not working. Overall, you'd think that this was the beginning of some sick Horror movie. It's not though. This is my space, this is where I come to get work done, or write like I'm doing now. This is the first time I've actually sat down and wrote something that wasn't for a class. It's exhilarating. Lady Gaga is playing over my ear phones and all my stress is slowly going away. I actually just signed out of facebook so that I could better focus on this. Because this is my time.

Being at Smith has done wonders for me. I'm changing and growing everyday. I've become a different person than I was in high school. But while all this change is going on, I realize I'm not taking time to just reflect and make sure I'm okay. September sped through so fast that I didn't even realize that October was here, and as the day progress on, I realize that I'm not paying attention to my mood swings. Which means it's the two worst weeks of the year. Two years ago my grandfather passed away, leaving me wondering what a lot meant. It was just as I was getting close to him, right as we were figuring each other out. It may be selfish, but I really wanted him to see me get into Smith. Then, just a week later, I'm taking the garbage out after Karate one Thursday night and I get a phone call from my friend telling me that Bri had killed himself. . . which rocked my world even though we had drifted apart. I loved Bri, I really did love him, and I miss him everyday and there are STILL moments when I just want to shoot him a text and let him know something great. Every time I walked out to the baseball field this year to watch my "friend" play, I thought of Bri and being here, at school, no where near home, I can still feel Bri's presence. I don't know why it's rocking me to the core again this year, but it is. Perhaps its an accumulation of everything that's going on, but I could feel myself slipping again yesterday.

I'm learning though, to give myself that time to just de-stress. I gave myself sometime to "wallow" in my misery last night before bed, but I'm going to pack so much in this weekend/week that I almost forget what's going on. Because this negative feeling is beginning to pervade my love life too, and I'm not okay with that. But it's going to be good because I can handle this :D

I don't really miss home, I miss my home church. A Lot. The nearest Methodist Church to school is an hour walk there and back, up like six hills. It causes so much stress to get there, that I actually have not been to church since I've been here, which i think is throwing me off in general. No matter what though, I'm going to try the Episcopal Church on Sunday. I need to commune with others. Even though I've been continuing my own journey with God while I'm here, praying alone is very different than going to service. I leave for DC in a little less than a week to go to an InterFaith Leadership Institute at the White House, which I am wicked excited about. I still feel though that I need to take some time to commune before I go just so that I feel more secure. I miss being involved in so much at church and I hate feeling like a stranger. I don't like being out of the loop and feeling like people have forgotten about me. Am I whining? Maybe a little, but this is my time. My home church was my LIFE and I feel like I've walked away and have no idea what is going on there anymore. Can I just explain to you what that feels like? I'm going to school to be a PASTOR. Church is my life, it's the one place that I feel sound 100% of the time. It's been a very long, very tiring, very stressful journey in general to process what my calling means in my life. And trying to articulate it to people who I thought would understand don't really get it, or refuse to admit to it. I'm not going to wake up one day and suddenly realize I don't want to be a Pastor anymore, it is who I am going to be, it is what God is calling me to be. There's no way around it. And now I'm removed from my home church, missing brilliant sermons by a brilliant pastor, away from the people who have always surrounded me and I feel like im treading water.

Expect more posts as I can, Midterms are coming up. . .

Like Lady Gaga says-

Just Dance.