my mind is a jumbled mess
with things creeping and crawling
threatening to unleash themselves in my real world
Spinning turning wailing
attempting to call me back
to where i cant belong.
There's a lot going on right now, I'm trying to figure out how to balance school and friends and how to keep myself from going absolutley bonkers. Im using my writing to try and flesh out all my emotions. To talk about everything i thought that i could never articulate, this blog is for me. While I love the fact that you read this, please understand that these words are literally mine and they are raw. I might jump around, I might not make sense, but it's 100% truly me.
Relationships-
Friends, lovers, boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends, worst enemies, they're all relationships. There's something painful about them, there's something beautiful about them. There are ups and downs and you have to work every single day at it, but you need equal footing. In order to be in a relationship, of any type, you need to be able to be on equal footing, understand that even if you try as hard as you can to make a difference in another person's life, if that's all your relationship is built on it will fall apart. If I give too much of myself in a relationship, I'm going to burn out and walk away from the relationship. I can't keep giving and giving and being there for people who are going to walk all over me. At some point, the other person needs pick themselves up and deal with what's going on in their lives. I can't fix everyone, and I can't be with people who don't want to help themselves. I've been with men who I have given my whole emotional self to, just to have them throw it back in my face. I have this problem where I care more about a person than they care about me. Its something i deal with on a regular basis. But im learning there's a point where i need to walk away. No matter how much I care about the other person, I can only deal with someone hurting me so much before I realize it's hurting my well-being. Well, at least I can do that with my friends. Hand me someone I'm interested and I am totally different. I'll keep my guard up, but at the same time constantly berate myself for being so interested in something that's never going to happen. Eventually I'll walk away. . . but most of the time I don't want to.
I wish that people could see that there's so much more to being in a "relationship" than just the physical sexual side of it, that in order to be with someone, totally and fully with someone you need to be able to be honest with them, to tell them the truth no matter what, but at the same time care as deeply about them as you do yourself. Meaning that when you start feeling like something's wrong or that you're trying much harder than the other, you need to have a conversation because what will happen is you will only wind up hurting yourself. In order to love someone else you need to love yourself, which means you need to know when to walk away. And that can hurt, and it can change what you believe, but its the truth.
Love is a verb that never ends. You can fall in love, but you'll never fall out of love, your love just changes over time. I still love people I've broken up with, people I've fallen out of touch with, people I can never be with again. I'm not in love with them, they're not stopping me from finding some one else, but it doesn't mean I don't still care about them and think about them from time to time and wish the best for them. I want to love unconditionally, love with no bounds and no restraints.
I don't want to save you
I don't want you to save me
I just want you to be there for me
As I want to be there for you
I want this to be love
Equal, wholesome, intimate
I want you to see that I'm not just who you thought I was
That there's so much more to me that just what convention tells you.
I want this to make sense and I want this to sound crazy.
I want to love you, and to be loved by you.
Is the way it was meant to be perhaps?
It's Advent. Life should be joyous.
<3
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