Apparently some things never change

I cannot remember most of elementary school.
I've repressed the memories because they are to painful to remember, to call upon that time in my life is to ask myself to loose it all again.

High school was not a great time in my life. I never fit in, and I was surprisingly okay with that, however I figured that once we all graduated, some how people would stop being the assholes that they were in high school. However I was wrong. People who talked shit about me then are STILL talking shit about me now. It really shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but I honestly am so angry about the fact that people didn't grow up. Why I expected them to, I couldn't tell you, but the fact that even though I'm at one of the top colleges in the country having amazing experiences and actually making a difference I'm still being judged by the people I grew up with. It's heart breaking to know that "home" feels about as safe now as it did a year ago. I still feel rejected and hurt even though I know I shouldn't because these people don't matter to me, and never has, but still knowing that people STILL TALK ABOUT me cuts so much deeper than it should.

When you're made fun of you're whole life, and made to feel like you're never going to amount to anything, those insecurities tend to carry over for your whole life. Even when I found Smith and felt like i was finally coming home to people who accept me for who I, there were still insecurities and now knowing that people are still in this state of mind where they're talking shit about me 3 hours from where I am still hurts. . .

Fucking Perfect.

To me you will never be perfect.

This is my gift to you I believe, I will never except you to me more than you are. I know that things are going to be tough between us, that there will be nights when we can hardly stand to look at each other, but I can promise you that I will never see you as perfect and because of that I genuinely believe I will love you more. I don't expect you to be Prince Charming or to save me from myself, I will never expect you to be something more than you are. I love you for you, all that you are and if you can believe it, I love you for all you are not. I just want something real between us, something that means something, something that will last longer than frivolity. I think you are wonderful, lovely, special, amazing, awesome, I will refer to to you as "that amazing man I'm seeing" or "that's the man I want to spend my life with" or something to that affect. I love you not in spite of your faults but because of them. I would expect the same from you, we both know I am not nor will I ever be perfect. I should hope that you would love me unconditionally as I love you.

To me you will always be mine. <3