I like lists, a lot. They help keep me focused and organized, my friends and I just made a list of things to do before we graduate, and it's hanging on my wall :) I've decided to make ANOTHER bucket list since I lost the one I made in physics last year. (Yes, my table did spend an entire week in physics making bucket lists. Wanna know what I remember? Light. I remember light and when they set that yard stick on fire. . . i do kind of miss physics. . . )
Things to do before I die:
1. Fall in love with someone who loves me
2. Live without any regrets
3. Get into seminary, graduate and be a Methodist Minister
4. Learn how to ski!
5. Learn to surf
6. See a miracle happen
7. Change someone's life
8. Have sex on a grand piano
9. Write something that gets published
10. Become a mentor
11. Get married :)
12. Have kids
13. Get a german Shephard (name him/her Goober?)
14. Write a memior
15. Go to Jerusalem
16. Go to Italy
17. sleep under the stars
18. bungee jump
19. Take a risk
20. Move someone emotionally
21. Make a difference
22. Have a song dedicated to me
23. Meet Josh Groban <3
24. Defy social expectations
25. Prove someone wrong
26. Watch the sun rise over the ocean
27. Kiss someone in the pouring rain
There will be more :D
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
because it never goes the way you want it to
So.
Tonight was supposed to be about me chilling out, relaxing and being on my own.
I had a night lecture, so when i came home all my friends assumed i was doing homework. and my roommates's at hockey practice so I am alone. I took a shower, opened up my laptop, im finishing Harry Potter chamber of secrets. It's glorious. And then while I'm aIMing with my friend, and up pops the question about a note a wrote on facebook. The question read- Would you kiss the last person you texted? and on facebook I just wrote tee hee. Which then sparks a whole thing about me never really being direct in my answers, which of course is true. BUT i don't normally flirt like this (oh yes, I'm flirting with him hardcore.) I like direct answers, even whilst flirting, normally i can manage both but for some reason I haven't been.
Which makes means I'm switching it up. I'm spending tonight (whatever is left of it) answering any questions people are going to throw at me. And I'm going to try and be more direct with what I'm doing and saying. I'm not necessarily going to GIVE away my answers, nor am I going to skirt around everything someone asks. It's time to whip a few new tricks and re-evaluate the way i approach things. Because quite honestly. . . I'm tired of trying to always come up with evasive answers.
WHICH
i do because I'm afraid. HAH. haven't admitted that one in a while. I'm legitimately afraid to be more direct because im afraid of loosing my chances or loosing what I have now. I'm big on living with no regrets. I've made some stupid mistakes before, and I've done things I'm not entirely proud of, but I don't regret them. They've all come together to make me who I am today. And even though not even a few weeks ago, I was telling said friend that sometimes its better just to throw your inhibitions to the wind, take the chance and just go for it without thinking about what every one else thinks, I'm having a hard time practicing what I preach. Which is true for several reasons. Am I entirely comfortable with laying it all out right now? No I'm not. Will I? Not entirely but I will admit that I have some serious thinking that needs to be done. Perhaps in a later post I'll be more comfortable hashing it all out. I'm afraid because if I admit to too much, then I could loose it or I could scare it away or I could wind up loosing everything I've ever wanted (and this is in several regards, not just one). And I love that things have been said without actually being said and I've indirectly admitted to things that I've never actually come out and said. But I will answer the latest question. If I had the opportunity I'd so kiss you. haha. Anyway, back to what i was trying to ramble about here. A night that was supposed to be mine, a night that was supposed to be about forgetting problems and just enjoying my solitude has turned into a night of raw honesty, of tossing and turning, of having to think now for hours. Which will do wonders for my sleep patterns. I have an hour of black and white honesty left. A few more moments reflection on whatever any one wants to know. After tonight, I will continue to be more direct, and take those risks, and hope for the best. SOLITUDE. You're a crappy partner.
Tonight was supposed to be about me chilling out, relaxing and being on my own.
I had a night lecture, so when i came home all my friends assumed i was doing homework. and my roommates's at hockey practice so I am alone. I took a shower, opened up my laptop, im finishing Harry Potter chamber of secrets. It's glorious. And then while I'm aIMing with my friend, and up pops the question about a note a wrote on facebook. The question read- Would you kiss the last person you texted? and on facebook I just wrote tee hee. Which then sparks a whole thing about me never really being direct in my answers, which of course is true. BUT i don't normally flirt like this (oh yes, I'm flirting with him hardcore.) I like direct answers, even whilst flirting, normally i can manage both but for some reason I haven't been.
Which makes means I'm switching it up. I'm spending tonight (whatever is left of it) answering any questions people are going to throw at me. And I'm going to try and be more direct with what I'm doing and saying. I'm not necessarily going to GIVE away my answers, nor am I going to skirt around everything someone asks. It's time to whip a few new tricks and re-evaluate the way i approach things. Because quite honestly. . . I'm tired of trying to always come up with evasive answers.
WHICH
i do because I'm afraid. HAH. haven't admitted that one in a while. I'm legitimately afraid to be more direct because im afraid of loosing my chances or loosing what I have now. I'm big on living with no regrets. I've made some stupid mistakes before, and I've done things I'm not entirely proud of, but I don't regret them. They've all come together to make me who I am today. And even though not even a few weeks ago, I was telling said friend that sometimes its better just to throw your inhibitions to the wind, take the chance and just go for it without thinking about what every one else thinks, I'm having a hard time practicing what I preach. Which is true for several reasons. Am I entirely comfortable with laying it all out right now? No I'm not. Will I? Not entirely but I will admit that I have some serious thinking that needs to be done. Perhaps in a later post I'll be more comfortable hashing it all out. I'm afraid because if I admit to too much, then I could loose it or I could scare it away or I could wind up loosing everything I've ever wanted (and this is in several regards, not just one). And I love that things have been said without actually being said and I've indirectly admitted to things that I've never actually come out and said. But I will answer the latest question. If I had the opportunity I'd so kiss you. haha. Anyway, back to what i was trying to ramble about here. A night that was supposed to be mine, a night that was supposed to be about forgetting problems and just enjoying my solitude has turned into a night of raw honesty, of tossing and turning, of having to think now for hours. Which will do wonders for my sleep patterns. I have an hour of black and white honesty left. A few more moments reflection on whatever any one wants to know. After tonight, I will continue to be more direct, and take those risks, and hope for the best. SOLITUDE. You're a crappy partner.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Repition?
I have this horrible obsessive habit where I will listen to one song over and over again. . . on repeat for days.
But that stirs things in me.
Things I cannot articulate for numerous reasons, but they're there
swimming under the surface
making me anxious
and freaked out
and constantly feeling like i need to be doing something.
I just changed the song, but i don't know what that's going to do for me. Things are swirling in me, confusion and parts of me and sides of me that I haven't dealt with yet. All I want to do is fall asleep.
Part of me
Is living too much in the future, wanting so much to happen that part of me is ready for. that i want so badly to happen.
Part of me
Wants to tell you to throw conviction to the wind
but another part of me
doesn't want to loose you
A part of me is ready for this right now
a part of my isn't sure
There's this gnawing feeling in me
that wants to operate as I normally do
but there's an equal force that is telling me not to
because it could just end this all
And there's this part of me
that wants to find someone else
but. . .
another part of me that can't fathom it.
All these conflictions, contradictions and so much more float around me, challenging me beckoning me.
I'm not sure which side I will choose
or if there is a choice. . .
But that stirs things in me.
Things I cannot articulate for numerous reasons, but they're there
swimming under the surface
making me anxious
and freaked out
and constantly feeling like i need to be doing something.
I just changed the song, but i don't know what that's going to do for me. Things are swirling in me, confusion and parts of me and sides of me that I haven't dealt with yet. All I want to do is fall asleep.
Part of me
Is living too much in the future, wanting so much to happen that part of me is ready for. that i want so badly to happen.
Part of me
Wants to tell you to throw conviction to the wind
but another part of me
doesn't want to loose you
A part of me is ready for this right now
a part of my isn't sure
There's this gnawing feeling in me
that wants to operate as I normally do
but there's an equal force that is telling me not to
because it could just end this all
And there's this part of me
that wants to find someone else
but. . .
another part of me that can't fathom it.
All these conflictions, contradictions and so much more float around me, challenging me beckoning me.
I'm not sure which side I will choose
or if there is a choice. . .
Love Only Knows- Prologue
There was a moment when his hand slid down my back and his fingers played at the belt loops of my jeans that I thought I was not going to make it home that night. When his deep brown eyes locked with mine it was as if we were seeing each other for the first time, trying to explore every inch of each soul with just one look. I bit my lip, and his forefinger outlined my jaw line.
“I, I can’t not like this, not now.” I whispered as my hand reached up to his chest and pushed slightly away.
“I understand.” He spoke in response, biting at his own lip and backing a half a step. He leaned down and kissed my forehead lightly. With a look of regret in my eyes, I turned and left him standing on the stoop of his building.
Instead of calling a cab to take me back to my house, I started to walk towards home, pulling my cell phone out of my black coat and hitting speed dial 3. Luckily Kirsten answered on the first ring.
“Ari? Hey are you okay it’s like two a.m.”
“Yeah. I’m on my way back from Dan’s.”
“And? How’d it go?” Kirsten was filled with the anticipation that something good was going to come out of this.
“Uh. Well. Kirsten I really don’t know. Most social conventions are telling me that this just isn’t right, and I can’t really tell if we’re in love or what love really is.”
“Ari, what are you talking about? All you do is talk about Dan.”
“I know. And I really do like him. Dan’s amazing, and one of my closest friends.”
“Hon, I’ve been telling you this for a while, Dan’s the right guy for you, you just need to take this chance.”
“But it’s so wrong!”
“SERIOUSLY?” After over a year of this constant banter Kirsten had to have been getting tired of my inability to decipher what I wanted. “Do you want me to bring up the 313 night?”
“Come on, I was drunk, Kirsten. You can’t throw that back in my face.”
“Yeah. And when you drink you always tell the truth, whatever is on your mind no matter what.”
“We can deal with this when I get home. Maybe I just need to walk this off.” I hung up the phone without waiting for Kirsten’s response. She was right. She always was.
I found a park bench and sat down, dropped my head in my hands and tried to remember that night Kirsten loved to bring up.
“I, I can’t not like this, not now.” I whispered as my hand reached up to his chest and pushed slightly away.
“I understand.” He spoke in response, biting at his own lip and backing a half a step. He leaned down and kissed my forehead lightly. With a look of regret in my eyes, I turned and left him standing on the stoop of his building.
Instead of calling a cab to take me back to my house, I started to walk towards home, pulling my cell phone out of my black coat and hitting speed dial 3. Luckily Kirsten answered on the first ring.
“Ari? Hey are you okay it’s like two a.m.”
“Yeah. I’m on my way back from Dan’s.”
“And? How’d it go?” Kirsten was filled with the anticipation that something good was going to come out of this.
“Uh. Well. Kirsten I really don’t know. Most social conventions are telling me that this just isn’t right, and I can’t really tell if we’re in love or what love really is.”
“Ari, what are you talking about? All you do is talk about Dan.”
“I know. And I really do like him. Dan’s amazing, and one of my closest friends.”
“Hon, I’ve been telling you this for a while, Dan’s the right guy for you, you just need to take this chance.”
“But it’s so wrong!”
“SERIOUSLY?” After over a year of this constant banter Kirsten had to have been getting tired of my inability to decipher what I wanted. “Do you want me to bring up the 313 night?”
“Come on, I was drunk, Kirsten. You can’t throw that back in my face.”
“Yeah. And when you drink you always tell the truth, whatever is on your mind no matter what.”
“We can deal with this when I get home. Maybe I just need to walk this off.” I hung up the phone without waiting for Kirsten’s response. She was right. She always was.
I found a park bench and sat down, dropped my head in my hands and tried to remember that night Kirsten loved to bring up.
Dear John- TS
I'm on a Taylor Swift Kick for the Moment and this is the song that's on right now. :D
Let's talk about driving.
I love driving and hate that I can't do it at school but it makes it so much sweeter when I can pull out of the brentwood plaza with my windows down playing Josh as loud as it can go. I love feeling the power of the acceleration when i press my foot even just slightly. That feeling of being totally in control and yet totally out of control exhilarates me.
I can be a slight control freak. . . ask any one of my friends or people I've worked with in the past. I've found that if something's going to be done right, I need to do it myself. However, if you ever really want to see me at my most. . . uninhibited, it's when someone else is in control. Especially when it comes to relationships and driving. Seriously, just take the lead, I'll stop you when you've crossed over, men. <3
And now for something completely different. . .
I am staying in tonight. . . in my flannel pajama pants I will cook dinner and hang out with my family and play board games and just chill. I will not put any more make-up on, or lace my shoes again or fake a smile because I've decided not to go to the "reunion" I'm supposed to go to.
Why did I decide against it?
Honestly because I'd be going to go see people that I never hung out with in high school, that didn't like me in high school and that quite frankly i didn't like in high school. The only reason I would be going is to prove some stupid point. Last year, I was hurt by the fact that I was never invited to events like these by the same people. And now? I could care less. In fact I'm glad that I never hung out with them because a lot of them are insecure about themselves and being around them makes me feel insecure.
So I will knit, and read, and watch a movie and blog and chat and BE ME because I understand that's all i can offer the world. I'm an old soul and I know that. I prefer in depth real conversation as compared to superficial talk. Tomorrow I will hang out with real friends and then come home to cook thanksgiving (take 2) with my family because of how much i miss cooking, and I will practice my skills in that department while we listen to music and remember why we are all truly thankful. Sunday I'll head back to school where I will fall back into who I really am while I pine for what may not happen but I want desperately to. I'll keep in touch with the people i want to and I'll realize that i am happy.
And i realize that i am surrounded by love at school. the unconditional love that flows from my friends and that I work everyday to achieve. One day, someone will realize that I'm everything he needs and we will fall in love and I will settle down and have my dream wedding and be even happier. I'm done looking around for a boy, especially now that I've found someone that I know would be amazing in ever regard. I'm going to let come what will, and continue to live my life and have experiences that will continue to shape me and let love come to me. I will smile and bite my lip when I think about it, but I will not define myself by it.
I will make my self happy before all because if I'm not happy I cannot make anyone else happy- So I will drive fast, find a man to take the lead, cook in flannel, hang with my family, decide against reunions that only prove a point.
And
I will be happy <3
Let's talk about driving.
I love driving and hate that I can't do it at school but it makes it so much sweeter when I can pull out of the brentwood plaza with my windows down playing Josh as loud as it can go. I love feeling the power of the acceleration when i press my foot even just slightly. That feeling of being totally in control and yet totally out of control exhilarates me.
I can be a slight control freak. . . ask any one of my friends or people I've worked with in the past. I've found that if something's going to be done right, I need to do it myself. However, if you ever really want to see me at my most. . . uninhibited, it's when someone else is in control. Especially when it comes to relationships and driving. Seriously, just take the lead, I'll stop you when you've crossed over, men. <3
And now for something completely different. . .
I am staying in tonight. . . in my flannel pajama pants I will cook dinner and hang out with my family and play board games and just chill. I will not put any more make-up on, or lace my shoes again or fake a smile because I've decided not to go to the "reunion" I'm supposed to go to.
Why did I decide against it?
Honestly because I'd be going to go see people that I never hung out with in high school, that didn't like me in high school and that quite frankly i didn't like in high school. The only reason I would be going is to prove some stupid point. Last year, I was hurt by the fact that I was never invited to events like these by the same people. And now? I could care less. In fact I'm glad that I never hung out with them because a lot of them are insecure about themselves and being around them makes me feel insecure.
So I will knit, and read, and watch a movie and blog and chat and BE ME because I understand that's all i can offer the world. I'm an old soul and I know that. I prefer in depth real conversation as compared to superficial talk. Tomorrow I will hang out with real friends and then come home to cook thanksgiving (take 2) with my family because of how much i miss cooking, and I will practice my skills in that department while we listen to music and remember why we are all truly thankful. Sunday I'll head back to school where I will fall back into who I really am while I pine for what may not happen but I want desperately to. I'll keep in touch with the people i want to and I'll realize that i am happy.
And i realize that i am surrounded by love at school. the unconditional love that flows from my friends and that I work everyday to achieve. One day, someone will realize that I'm everything he needs and we will fall in love and I will settle down and have my dream wedding and be even happier. I'm done looking around for a boy, especially now that I've found someone that I know would be amazing in ever regard. I'm going to let come what will, and continue to live my life and have experiences that will continue to shape me and let love come to me. I will smile and bite my lip when I think about it, but I will not define myself by it.
I will make my self happy before all because if I'm not happy I cannot make anyone else happy- So I will drive fast, find a man to take the lead, cook in flannel, hang with my family, decide against reunions that only prove a point.
And
I will be happy <3
Thursday, November 25, 2010
What's the Dealio?
There's this unspoken rule in my family that says that unless you are serious with someone, do not bring them to extended family functions. Seriously, its just a bad idea for your relationship. I have yet to bring a boy around my extended family, and i do that partially because I'm afraid of what the experience will do to him. . . and partially because of how I feel around my extended family. Let's be honest here, I'm doing well for myself. I love my life, I'm making amazing friends, I'm going to an AMAZING school, I have a wonderful course load and I love everything that's going on. Throw me into my extended family, around my cousins and my aunts and uncles, and all of a sudden I feel like im back in middle school.
My aunts and uncles are one thing, and I love them all dearly, but my cousins. . . I guess its because I've spent so much of my life wanting to be accepted by them, that i thought being in college would change all of that. Obviously it has not. I still awkwardly sit at the dinner table, begging for the meal to be over, or at least praying in my head that someone would let me sit with my grandmother. Because when I'm with my cousins (some of them) I feel like i need to live down to their level. I try desperately to find common ground with them about something, but it is nearly impossible. The longest conversation I had with one of my cousins tonight was talking about gorgeous bottles that she should collect?! Seriously? We all live not 40 minutes from each other, and yet we are all practically strangers.
I'm a confident person, I get cocky over things, I have pride in what I do, but leave me with ALL of my cousins for three hours and all of a sudden I feel like I'm not good enough. Which is stupid, because I'm doing much better than some of them. I'm not a drug dealer, I'm doing well in school and I actually have a goal in life. . . but it doesn't stop me from feeling like I'll never fit in with them. Granted, of the 17 of us, there are only a few who make me feel like this, irrational as it is. I've always wanted to have a strong relationship with my cousins, like the relationships I seem to see everywhere else, but it can be utterly impossible.
I've never brought someone around my family before, and my sister and I are already planning on what we're doing as we get older and start to form our own families. And there's a part of me that wants to find someone to bring with me to Thanksgiving dinner one year, but I'm truly understanding that in order to deal with my family, the person I bring around better be someone who is in it for the long haul. There's something so disgruntling about it that I actually do get a little nervous for that long away Thanksgiving.
HOWEVER:
I'm so thankful that I have the family that I do. I love my parents and my sister with all my heart, and I adore my grandmother and my aunts and uncles. There's even a lot of love for my cousins, but I'm trying to figure out how to be comfortable in my own skin around them.
For instance-
I'm going to be a Methodist Minister when I get older. Therefore my family last year decided that I needed to say grace. Do you know what it's like praying in front of a bunch of people who don't believe and who in fact have made negative comments about those who do believe? It's scary. Especially when you're trying to get used to the idea of verbal public prayer. In everything that I'm ready for to be a pastor, leading verbal public prayer in front of my family makes me want to crawl into a corner and cry. And it happens again this year. which freaks me out even more because there has been a lot of drama going on within our family. Maybe I'm afraid I won't say the right words? I'm not totally sure, but it still freaks me out. And I know there were several judging minds on me.
Another one-
Somewhere in our conversations tonight, the subject of me being the captain of the Quidditch team came up. And I kid you not there was a moment of utter silence when the words came out of mouth from my whole table. I don't think I've ever felt so judged in my whole life.
But yeah.
Still thankful for them <3
Hope you all had a lovely thanksgiving :)
My aunts and uncles are one thing, and I love them all dearly, but my cousins. . . I guess its because I've spent so much of my life wanting to be accepted by them, that i thought being in college would change all of that. Obviously it has not. I still awkwardly sit at the dinner table, begging for the meal to be over, or at least praying in my head that someone would let me sit with my grandmother. Because when I'm with my cousins (some of them) I feel like i need to live down to their level. I try desperately to find common ground with them about something, but it is nearly impossible. The longest conversation I had with one of my cousins tonight was talking about gorgeous bottles that she should collect?! Seriously? We all live not 40 minutes from each other, and yet we are all practically strangers.
I'm a confident person, I get cocky over things, I have pride in what I do, but leave me with ALL of my cousins for three hours and all of a sudden I feel like I'm not good enough. Which is stupid, because I'm doing much better than some of them. I'm not a drug dealer, I'm doing well in school and I actually have a goal in life. . . but it doesn't stop me from feeling like I'll never fit in with them. Granted, of the 17 of us, there are only a few who make me feel like this, irrational as it is. I've always wanted to have a strong relationship with my cousins, like the relationships I seem to see everywhere else, but it can be utterly impossible.
I've never brought someone around my family before, and my sister and I are already planning on what we're doing as we get older and start to form our own families. And there's a part of me that wants to find someone to bring with me to Thanksgiving dinner one year, but I'm truly understanding that in order to deal with my family, the person I bring around better be someone who is in it for the long haul. There's something so disgruntling about it that I actually do get a little nervous for that long away Thanksgiving.
HOWEVER:
I'm so thankful that I have the family that I do. I love my parents and my sister with all my heart, and I adore my grandmother and my aunts and uncles. There's even a lot of love for my cousins, but I'm trying to figure out how to be comfortable in my own skin around them.
For instance-
I'm going to be a Methodist Minister when I get older. Therefore my family last year decided that I needed to say grace. Do you know what it's like praying in front of a bunch of people who don't believe and who in fact have made negative comments about those who do believe? It's scary. Especially when you're trying to get used to the idea of verbal public prayer. In everything that I'm ready for to be a pastor, leading verbal public prayer in front of my family makes me want to crawl into a corner and cry. And it happens again this year. which freaks me out even more because there has been a lot of drama going on within our family. Maybe I'm afraid I won't say the right words? I'm not totally sure, but it still freaks me out. And I know there were several judging minds on me.
Another one-
Somewhere in our conversations tonight, the subject of me being the captain of the Quidditch team came up. And I kid you not there was a moment of utter silence when the words came out of mouth from my whole table. I don't think I've ever felt so judged in my whole life.
But yeah.
Still thankful for them <3
Hope you all had a lovely thanksgiving :)
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Love only knows. . .
Love only knows if we'll give into fear and choose life undercover. < 3
There's this bizarre stigma people have about relationships, these weird set backs that keep people from truly engaging in what could be the best relationships. Just because the other person doesn't "fit the bill" to who you're supposed to go for or who the world thinks you should be going for, it doesn't mean you should walk away.
I've seen so many amazing potential relationships fizzle away because one of the parties is too afraid to take the risk. If you can be mature about it, most of those relationships turn out to be the ones that last forever. . . or at least a while. :)
It's about intimacy.
Being with someone is about being completely with them, mind body and soul.
Which is why, for me, I tend to gravitate toward older men. . .
because i came to a realization of what I want in a man.
I want someone who is NERDY. (seriously.)
I want someone who is intellectually stimulating and can actually hold a legitimate conversation with me. (I go to Smith because I like that kind of stuff)
I want someone who can be goofy and crazy when the time calls for it, but also serious and refined when the time calls for it.
I need someone who is both passionate and romantic. (enough said)
I want someone who has his shit together. I really don't have the energy to deal with a guy who has no direction in his life.
I want to be with someone who will banter with me, poke fun at me, challenge me and inspire me.
I want some one skilled. . . ;)
I want someone who is going to appreciate me and love me for who am, someone who finds me intriguing and fun to be around.
I want to be with the person who I trust.
And I've found one or two people who fit this. . .
and the setback?
Our relationships doesn't fit convention.
He doesn't date outside of his town because his town is safe, and the girls are all the same.
But Cupid give me a challenge, one that will reward me in the end
Will we choose life over laughter?
Love only knows. . . .
JG < 3
There's this bizarre stigma people have about relationships, these weird set backs that keep people from truly engaging in what could be the best relationships. Just because the other person doesn't "fit the bill" to who you're supposed to go for or who the world thinks you should be going for, it doesn't mean you should walk away.
I've seen so many amazing potential relationships fizzle away because one of the parties is too afraid to take the risk. If you can be mature about it, most of those relationships turn out to be the ones that last forever. . . or at least a while. :)
It's about intimacy.
Being with someone is about being completely with them, mind body and soul.
Which is why, for me, I tend to gravitate toward older men. . .
because i came to a realization of what I want in a man.
I want someone who is NERDY. (seriously.)
I want someone who is intellectually stimulating and can actually hold a legitimate conversation with me. (I go to Smith because I like that kind of stuff)
I want someone who can be goofy and crazy when the time calls for it, but also serious and refined when the time calls for it.
I need someone who is both passionate and romantic. (enough said)
I want someone who has his shit together. I really don't have the energy to deal with a guy who has no direction in his life.
I want to be with someone who will banter with me, poke fun at me, challenge me and inspire me.
I want some one skilled. . . ;)
I want someone who is going to appreciate me and love me for who am, someone who finds me intriguing and fun to be around.
I want to be with the person who I trust.
And I've found one or two people who fit this. . .
and the setback?
Our relationships doesn't fit convention.
He doesn't date outside of his town because his town is safe, and the girls are all the same.
But Cupid give me a challenge, one that will reward me in the end
Will we choose life over laughter?
Love only knows. . . .
JG < 3
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Changing Colors
It's been an interesting couple of days. . . and as per the usual, I'm sitting in my bed alone at 12 am thinking about everything that's been going on. Josh is playing in the background and his voice is calming me and directing me in a way that is unlike any other.
I'm learning how to let go, and I'm learning things much faster than I have in the past. And it's funny to think that this time last year I was pretty much going through the same sorts of emotions. I guess it's just a weird time? Or maybe the beginning of the school year just makes me crazy. But whatever. At the end of the day its all about emotion right? This time last year I was being strung along by a guy who could care less about me emotionally. I spent months pushing away feeling guilty about being "the other woman" in a sense because I thought that he was perfect for me. And I've just spent the past couple of days trying to make excuses for my behavior and another guys behavior just because I thought once we got over whatever our issues were things would be perfect.
Do I still believe it?
Yeah, if we ever got together I think we'd be a great couple. But I'm a Smithie. I'm badass and I don't put up with people's shit. I'm done chasing. I'd rather walk away with this having met a really great guy who has become a really good friend. As much as my emotions tend to get in the way, I need to realize I'm only going to break my own heart when things don't work out the way I want them to.
Can I deal with that?
I am. I've realized that the friends I've made this year are closer to me and will stick by me no matter what. We have an amazingly supportive group of friends here who band together despite everything and can be crazy and wild together. I've finally found a group of friends where I can let go and be crazy and be myself, while still having a group of friends who will be there for you when your life sucks and all you want to do is cry. My friend Jess made me a poster of projectile vomitting that I have hanging on my door, and a wonderful poster of gorgeous men that hangs over my bed. When I was feeling shitty, my friend Mariah opened her comfy bed to me just to lay in and feel sorry about myself. Bronte's always there for me when I need to talk or laugh because she just ate shit. And my best friend here and my roommate can sense when I just can't be alone. Can I tell you how awesome my friends are? They're there no matter what, and we just had a random dance party through the house. It took us a few weeks to get into a good rhythm but we've finally found each other.
I'm changing colors while I'm at Smith, I'm growing up and realizing that as much as I love being in a relationship, I'm not settling for someone who can settle with me. I can still have an amazing time without being with a boy. I honestly thought that by coming to Smith I was going to have to prove my "straightness" over and over again, but honestly, I just need to be me. My friends are my support beams, my music is my canvas, and my school work is my goal. I'm refocusing what i want out of this experience. I want to work hard and play hard. I want to change the world while having fun. I want to feel the spark of passion ignite in someone else. I want to write words that will make people think, change the way they think.
I'm going to be 18 in less than two weeks, and I'm finally ready to come into my own.
And I'm starting to actually understand what I need in my life. Amen to that :D
I'm learning how to let go, and I'm learning things much faster than I have in the past. And it's funny to think that this time last year I was pretty much going through the same sorts of emotions. I guess it's just a weird time? Or maybe the beginning of the school year just makes me crazy. But whatever. At the end of the day its all about emotion right? This time last year I was being strung along by a guy who could care less about me emotionally. I spent months pushing away feeling guilty about being "the other woman" in a sense because I thought that he was perfect for me. And I've just spent the past couple of days trying to make excuses for my behavior and another guys behavior just because I thought once we got over whatever our issues were things would be perfect.
Do I still believe it?
Yeah, if we ever got together I think we'd be a great couple. But I'm a Smithie. I'm badass and I don't put up with people's shit. I'm done chasing. I'd rather walk away with this having met a really great guy who has become a really good friend. As much as my emotions tend to get in the way, I need to realize I'm only going to break my own heart when things don't work out the way I want them to.
Can I deal with that?
I am. I've realized that the friends I've made this year are closer to me and will stick by me no matter what. We have an amazingly supportive group of friends here who band together despite everything and can be crazy and wild together. I've finally found a group of friends where I can let go and be crazy and be myself, while still having a group of friends who will be there for you when your life sucks and all you want to do is cry. My friend Jess made me a poster of projectile vomitting that I have hanging on my door, and a wonderful poster of gorgeous men that hangs over my bed. When I was feeling shitty, my friend Mariah opened her comfy bed to me just to lay in and feel sorry about myself. Bronte's always there for me when I need to talk or laugh because she just ate shit. And my best friend here and my roommate can sense when I just can't be alone. Can I tell you how awesome my friends are? They're there no matter what, and we just had a random dance party through the house. It took us a few weeks to get into a good rhythm but we've finally found each other.
I'm changing colors while I'm at Smith, I'm growing up and realizing that as much as I love being in a relationship, I'm not settling for someone who can settle with me. I can still have an amazing time without being with a boy. I honestly thought that by coming to Smith I was going to have to prove my "straightness" over and over again, but honestly, I just need to be me. My friends are my support beams, my music is my canvas, and my school work is my goal. I'm refocusing what i want out of this experience. I want to work hard and play hard. I want to change the world while having fun. I want to feel the spark of passion ignite in someone else. I want to write words that will make people think, change the way they think.
I'm going to be 18 in less than two weeks, and I'm finally ready to come into my own.
And I'm starting to actually understand what I need in my life. Amen to that :D
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)