Dear John- TS

I'm on a Taylor Swift Kick for the Moment and this is the song that's on right now. :D

Let's talk about driving.

I love driving and hate that I can't do it at school but it makes it so much sweeter when I can pull out of the brentwood plaza with my windows down playing Josh as loud as it can go. I love feeling the power of the acceleration when i press my foot even just slightly. That feeling of being totally in control and yet totally out of control exhilarates me.

I can be a slight control freak. . . ask any one of my friends or people I've worked with in the past. I've found that if something's going to be done right, I need to do it myself. However, if you ever really want to see me at my most. . . uninhibited, it's when someone else is in control. Especially when it comes to relationships and driving. Seriously, just take the lead, I'll stop you when you've crossed over, men. <3

And now for something completely different. . .

I am staying in tonight. . . in my flannel pajama pants I will cook dinner and hang out with my family and play board games and just chill. I will not put any more make-up on, or lace my shoes again or fake a smile because I've decided not to go to the "reunion" I'm supposed to go to.

Why did I decide against it?

Honestly because I'd be going to go see people that I never hung out with in high school, that didn't like me in high school and that quite frankly i didn't like in high school. The only reason I would be going is to prove some stupid point. Last year, I was hurt by the fact that I was never invited to events like these by the same people. And now? I could care less. In fact I'm glad that I never hung out with them because a lot of them are insecure about themselves and being around them makes me feel insecure.

So I will knit, and read, and watch a movie and blog and chat and BE ME because I understand that's all i can offer the world. I'm an old soul and I know that. I prefer in depth real conversation as compared to superficial talk. Tomorrow I will hang out with real friends and then come home to cook thanksgiving (take 2) with my family because of how much i miss cooking, and I will practice my skills in that department while we listen to music and remember why we are all truly thankful. Sunday I'll head back to school where I will fall back into who I really am while I pine for what may not happen but I want desperately to. I'll keep in touch with the people i want to and I'll realize that i am happy.

And i realize that i am surrounded by love at school. the unconditional love that flows from my friends and that I work everyday to achieve. One day, someone will realize that I'm everything he needs and we will fall in love and I will settle down and have my dream wedding and be even happier. I'm done looking around for a boy, especially now that I've found someone that I know would be amazing in ever regard. I'm going to let come what will, and continue to live my life and have experiences that will continue to shape me and let love come to me. I will smile and bite my lip when I think about it, but I will not define myself by it.

I will make my self happy before all because if I'm not happy I cannot make anyone else happy- So I will drive fast, find a man to take the lead, cook in flannel, hang with my family, decide against reunions that only prove a point.

And

I will be happy <3