There's this unspoken rule in my family that says that unless you are serious with someone, do not bring them to extended family functions. Seriously, its just a bad idea for your relationship. I have yet to bring a boy around my extended family, and i do that partially because I'm afraid of what the experience will do to him. . . and partially because of how I feel around my extended family. Let's be honest here, I'm doing well for myself. I love my life, I'm making amazing friends, I'm going to an AMAZING school, I have a wonderful course load and I love everything that's going on. Throw me into my extended family, around my cousins and my aunts and uncles, and all of a sudden I feel like im back in middle school.
My aunts and uncles are one thing, and I love them all dearly, but my cousins. . . I guess its because I've spent so much of my life wanting to be accepted by them, that i thought being in college would change all of that. Obviously it has not. I still awkwardly sit at the dinner table, begging for the meal to be over, or at least praying in my head that someone would let me sit with my grandmother. Because when I'm with my cousins (some of them) I feel like i need to live down to their level. I try desperately to find common ground with them about something, but it is nearly impossible. The longest conversation I had with one of my cousins tonight was talking about gorgeous bottles that she should collect?! Seriously? We all live not 40 minutes from each other, and yet we are all practically strangers.
I'm a confident person, I get cocky over things, I have pride in what I do, but leave me with ALL of my cousins for three hours and all of a sudden I feel like I'm not good enough. Which is stupid, because I'm doing much better than some of them. I'm not a drug dealer, I'm doing well in school and I actually have a goal in life. . . but it doesn't stop me from feeling like I'll never fit in with them. Granted, of the 17 of us, there are only a few who make me feel like this, irrational as it is. I've always wanted to have a strong relationship with my cousins, like the relationships I seem to see everywhere else, but it can be utterly impossible.
I've never brought someone around my family before, and my sister and I are already planning on what we're doing as we get older and start to form our own families. And there's a part of me that wants to find someone to bring with me to Thanksgiving dinner one year, but I'm truly understanding that in order to deal with my family, the person I bring around better be someone who is in it for the long haul. There's something so disgruntling about it that I actually do get a little nervous for that long away Thanksgiving.
HOWEVER:
I'm so thankful that I have the family that I do. I love my parents and my sister with all my heart, and I adore my grandmother and my aunts and uncles. There's even a lot of love for my cousins, but I'm trying to figure out how to be comfortable in my own skin around them.
For instance-
I'm going to be a Methodist Minister when I get older. Therefore my family last year decided that I needed to say grace. Do you know what it's like praying in front of a bunch of people who don't believe and who in fact have made negative comments about those who do believe? It's scary. Especially when you're trying to get used to the idea of verbal public prayer. In everything that I'm ready for to be a pastor, leading verbal public prayer in front of my family makes me want to crawl into a corner and cry. And it happens again this year. which freaks me out even more because there has been a lot of drama going on within our family. Maybe I'm afraid I won't say the right words? I'm not totally sure, but it still freaks me out. And I know there were several judging minds on me.
Another one-
Somewhere in our conversations tonight, the subject of me being the captain of the Quidditch team came up. And I kid you not there was a moment of utter silence when the words came out of mouth from my whole table. I don't think I've ever felt so judged in my whole life.
But yeah.
Still thankful for them <3
Hope you all had a lovely thanksgiving :)
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