It's been an interesting couple of days. . . and as per the usual, I'm sitting in my bed alone at 12 am thinking about everything that's been going on. Josh is playing in the background and his voice is calming me and directing me in a way that is unlike any other.
I'm learning how to let go, and I'm learning things much faster than I have in the past. And it's funny to think that this time last year I was pretty much going through the same sorts of emotions. I guess it's just a weird time? Or maybe the beginning of the school year just makes me crazy. But whatever. At the end of the day its all about emotion right? This time last year I was being strung along by a guy who could care less about me emotionally. I spent months pushing away feeling guilty about being "the other woman" in a sense because I thought that he was perfect for me. And I've just spent the past couple of days trying to make excuses for my behavior and another guys behavior just because I thought once we got over whatever our issues were things would be perfect.
Do I still believe it?
Yeah, if we ever got together I think we'd be a great couple. But I'm a Smithie. I'm badass and I don't put up with people's shit. I'm done chasing. I'd rather walk away with this having met a really great guy who has become a really good friend. As much as my emotions tend to get in the way, I need to realize I'm only going to break my own heart when things don't work out the way I want them to.
Can I deal with that?
I am. I've realized that the friends I've made this year are closer to me and will stick by me no matter what. We have an amazingly supportive group of friends here who band together despite everything and can be crazy and wild together. I've finally found a group of friends where I can let go and be crazy and be myself, while still having a group of friends who will be there for you when your life sucks and all you want to do is cry. My friend Jess made me a poster of projectile vomitting that I have hanging on my door, and a wonderful poster of gorgeous men that hangs over my bed. When I was feeling shitty, my friend Mariah opened her comfy bed to me just to lay in and feel sorry about myself. Bronte's always there for me when I need to talk or laugh because she just ate shit. And my best friend here and my roommate can sense when I just can't be alone. Can I tell you how awesome my friends are? They're there no matter what, and we just had a random dance party through the house. It took us a few weeks to get into a good rhythm but we've finally found each other.
I'm changing colors while I'm at Smith, I'm growing up and realizing that as much as I love being in a relationship, I'm not settling for someone who can settle with me. I can still have an amazing time without being with a boy. I honestly thought that by coming to Smith I was going to have to prove my "straightness" over and over again, but honestly, I just need to be me. My friends are my support beams, my music is my canvas, and my school work is my goal. I'm refocusing what i want out of this experience. I want to work hard and play hard. I want to change the world while having fun. I want to feel the spark of passion ignite in someone else. I want to write words that will make people think, change the way they think.
I'm going to be 18 in less than two weeks, and I'm finally ready to come into my own.
And I'm starting to actually understand what I need in my life. Amen to that :D
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