So.
Tonight was supposed to be about me chilling out, relaxing and being on my own.
I had a night lecture, so when i came home all my friends assumed i was doing homework. and my roommates's at hockey practice so I am alone. I took a shower, opened up my laptop, im finishing Harry Potter chamber of secrets. It's glorious. And then while I'm aIMing with my friend, and up pops the question about a note a wrote on facebook. The question read- Would you kiss the last person you texted? and on facebook I just wrote tee hee. Which then sparks a whole thing about me never really being direct in my answers, which of course is true. BUT i don't normally flirt like this (oh yes, I'm flirting with him hardcore.) I like direct answers, even whilst flirting, normally i can manage both but for some reason I haven't been.
Which makes means I'm switching it up. I'm spending tonight (whatever is left of it) answering any questions people are going to throw at me. And I'm going to try and be more direct with what I'm doing and saying. I'm not necessarily going to GIVE away my answers, nor am I going to skirt around everything someone asks. It's time to whip a few new tricks and re-evaluate the way i approach things. Because quite honestly. . . I'm tired of trying to always come up with evasive answers.
WHICH
i do because I'm afraid. HAH. haven't admitted that one in a while. I'm legitimately afraid to be more direct because im afraid of loosing my chances or loosing what I have now. I'm big on living with no regrets. I've made some stupid mistakes before, and I've done things I'm not entirely proud of, but I don't regret them. They've all come together to make me who I am today. And even though not even a few weeks ago, I was telling said friend that sometimes its better just to throw your inhibitions to the wind, take the chance and just go for it without thinking about what every one else thinks, I'm having a hard time practicing what I preach. Which is true for several reasons. Am I entirely comfortable with laying it all out right now? No I'm not. Will I? Not entirely but I will admit that I have some serious thinking that needs to be done. Perhaps in a later post I'll be more comfortable hashing it all out. I'm afraid because if I admit to too much, then I could loose it or I could scare it away or I could wind up loosing everything I've ever wanted (and this is in several regards, not just one). And I love that things have been said without actually being said and I've indirectly admitted to things that I've never actually come out and said. But I will answer the latest question. If I had the opportunity I'd so kiss you. haha. Anyway, back to what i was trying to ramble about here. A night that was supposed to be mine, a night that was supposed to be about forgetting problems and just enjoying my solitude has turned into a night of raw honesty, of tossing and turning, of having to think now for hours. Which will do wonders for my sleep patterns. I have an hour of black and white honesty left. A few more moments reflection on whatever any one wants to know. After tonight, I will continue to be more direct, and take those risks, and hope for the best. SOLITUDE. You're a crappy partner.
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