Lady Gaga

Let me paint this scene for you-

I'm sitting in the lower basement of a library, I haven't seen anyone since I got here, the shelves by my carrell lights are not working. Overall, you'd think that this was the beginning of some sick Horror movie. It's not though. This is my space, this is where I come to get work done, or write like I'm doing now. This is the first time I've actually sat down and wrote something that wasn't for a class. It's exhilarating. Lady Gaga is playing over my ear phones and all my stress is slowly going away. I actually just signed out of facebook so that I could better focus on this. Because this is my time.

Being at Smith has done wonders for me. I'm changing and growing everyday. I've become a different person than I was in high school. But while all this change is going on, I realize I'm not taking time to just reflect and make sure I'm okay. September sped through so fast that I didn't even realize that October was here, and as the day progress on, I realize that I'm not paying attention to my mood swings. Which means it's the two worst weeks of the year. Two years ago my grandfather passed away, leaving me wondering what a lot meant. It was just as I was getting close to him, right as we were figuring each other out. It may be selfish, but I really wanted him to see me get into Smith. Then, just a week later, I'm taking the garbage out after Karate one Thursday night and I get a phone call from my friend telling me that Bri had killed himself. . . which rocked my world even though we had drifted apart. I loved Bri, I really did love him, and I miss him everyday and there are STILL moments when I just want to shoot him a text and let him know something great. Every time I walked out to the baseball field this year to watch my "friend" play, I thought of Bri and being here, at school, no where near home, I can still feel Bri's presence. I don't know why it's rocking me to the core again this year, but it is. Perhaps its an accumulation of everything that's going on, but I could feel myself slipping again yesterday.

I'm learning though, to give myself that time to just de-stress. I gave myself sometime to "wallow" in my misery last night before bed, but I'm going to pack so much in this weekend/week that I almost forget what's going on. Because this negative feeling is beginning to pervade my love life too, and I'm not okay with that. But it's going to be good because I can handle this :D

I don't really miss home, I miss my home church. A Lot. The nearest Methodist Church to school is an hour walk there and back, up like six hills. It causes so much stress to get there, that I actually have not been to church since I've been here, which i think is throwing me off in general. No matter what though, I'm going to try the Episcopal Church on Sunday. I need to commune with others. Even though I've been continuing my own journey with God while I'm here, praying alone is very different than going to service. I leave for DC in a little less than a week to go to an InterFaith Leadership Institute at the White House, which I am wicked excited about. I still feel though that I need to take some time to commune before I go just so that I feel more secure. I miss being involved in so much at church and I hate feeling like a stranger. I don't like being out of the loop and feeling like people have forgotten about me. Am I whining? Maybe a little, but this is my time. My home church was my LIFE and I feel like I've walked away and have no idea what is going on there anymore. Can I just explain to you what that feels like? I'm going to school to be a PASTOR. Church is my life, it's the one place that I feel sound 100% of the time. It's been a very long, very tiring, very stressful journey in general to process what my calling means in my life. And trying to articulate it to people who I thought would understand don't really get it, or refuse to admit to it. I'm not going to wake up one day and suddenly realize I don't want to be a Pastor anymore, it is who I am going to be, it is what God is calling me to be. There's no way around it. And now I'm removed from my home church, missing brilliant sermons by a brilliant pastor, away from the people who have always surrounded me and I feel like im treading water.

Expect more posts as I can, Midterms are coming up. . .

Like Lady Gaga says-

Just Dance.