Reflection.

Looking back on 2010 I realize just how much I changed in a year, how much life has offered me in the terms of experience and growth. Looking ahead to 2011 I can only hope that I will be as happy with the progress I continue to make.

This time last year, I was slaving away over a script. My gorgeous white binder and I spent more time together than I spent with my family. I constantly was making notes or sketching sets or reading up on lines. After school I was either backstage, on stage, in front of the stage, running from the English office to 507 and back or walking around the school searching out open classrooms where I could run lines with the cast. On Saturdays I was at the bagel shop picking up orders and driving them back to school to start work either on rehearsal or building. I was in my domain. I was in control, I was giving it everything I got. And here I can bitch and moan about how I felt that no one else really cared about the show, or how Friday night after the show felt, but I'm not going to. Instead I'm going to talk about how Friday preshow felt. . . The unnecessary butterflies, the crew potluck dinner, where we were able to just sit together and breathe before I was up and running around again. Watching the hustle and the bustle of people coming in. Being able to walk out to the lobby area to check on the parents and the ticket sellers, the house lights and front house manager, it just worked for me. No matter how stressed I was, seeing people show up for the show filled me with a hope that somehow everyone would pull it together. Having people walk up to me and and wish me luck on the show or running into people who had come to see the show who I hadn't seen in a while, it was amazing. And the five minutes before the show standing with the cast and crew, it was all smiles. In the two minutes before the show started, checking house lights, shutting curtains to people's houses and checking for places, it was those moments when I realized that not matter what happened on the stage that night, I had given my all for it. The moments I had been waiting for had come, and watching that curtain pull back filled me with a dread that I may never be able to replicate for thirty seconds until it was all business again.

And that night after the show, after all that happened, I hid my face from people that I saw lagging behind to say hi, I hid my anger and my hurt and my distrust from people, so that they would not see that I felt like a failure.

By the time June rolled around, I was already gone. Graduation was blessed ceremony that wasn't over soon enough. I spent my summer with the people I cared about, doing things I cared about. I connected with friends and made sure that I spoke and saw the people that I wanted to. Every interaction was deliberate and I loved every moment of it because I was finally doing what made me happy.

Being in school has already changed me, in ways that I didn't know it could. In the past four months alone I have learned that "normal" is not something I need in my life, nor something I should strive to be, that being "typical" is only going to make me unhappy. I've learned that sometimes you just have to admit to things, as frightening as it can be, and that taking chances is the only way to be sure that you don't live with regret. I have found reconnecting with old friends is a therapy, and often times you reconnect at the right moment. Even though people come from different places or feel different things they can still be best friends. I've come to understand what the definition of "friend" really is.

In the past year I've fallen into "love", out of "love", had my heartbroken, I've succeeded and I have failed. I've made mistakes and I have grown, I've seen what self-hatred can do to a person and I've seen people fall in love. I started a Quidditch team and I've made a fool out of myself. I've changed my style and cut my hair. I've graduated and gone off to school. I've started thinking about my future and what I want from it. I've fallen into traps, set them myself, and crawled my way out. I've puked and I've cried, I've bled and I have nearly given up. I've smoked a cigar and drank, tried new foods and run. I've lost myself and found myself at the bottom of a bottle staring me down. I've made poor choices and I've made good ones. I've read fabulous books and made fabulous friends.

When 2010 ended, I was on the track to declaring my candidacy to be a fully ordained Elder in the Methodist Church, a resident of Park House, an official blood donor, a well-loved stage manager and star defense lawyer. I was officially legal (although I'm still not registered to vote... gotta get on that), I was at home with the people I loved, I had serious plans for my future, falling back in love with myself and starting to understand what it all means.

When 2011 started, I was ready to be me, to stop thinking that I can be anything else. I look at the next year with fear in my eyes but a determined heart. I'm ready for whatever is going to be thrown at me and I'm ready for it all.

I'm not the person I was as I watch the curtain get pulled back, I'm happier, and I will not hide my face when I think someone will judge me for my failure. I will take pride in my work, and all I give my heart to. I will give my heart to people who deserve it, and I will make YOU see the truth of who I am.

Happy New Year.
I love you all.