I'm getting older and I need something to rely on. . .

I'm in my room back in Jersey squeezed onto the floor because my shit from school is all over, cuddling with my platypus, on my laptop talking to my roommate. Because this is how my life came crashing down around me, however melodramatic that sounds. I will bounce back from these realizations, but for the night I will dwell and wallow in my pain of missing everything that school is to me, including my very very very good friends. It probably doesn't help that I'm listening to "Somewhere Only We Know" on repeat, but it's what I'm doing :D A few days before I left for school, my friend Bronte and I got into a conversation about marriage, which honestly is an odd topic at our school. Normally we're talking about gender, identity or quidditch. I admitted to her that as long as I met the right man and wouldn't have to give up my goals or dreams I would totally get married now, which took her aback a bit, especially because I am a very independent, self-sufficient person. But its the truth. If I had the chance to get married now or in the near future I would do it, and I've always thought I was going to get married when I was youngish. Of course it would be much more realistic if I had a boyfriend. . . but I don't know if that's happening anytime soon. Anyway, reason I bring this up is because I'm thinking about reliability, and constants. I know that the whole world is temporary, but things have been changing so fast and so vastly for me since January that I'm desperately searching for something to be constant in my life. Not that it doesn't change or grow, but something that I know will always be there and will not leave me.

Too much to ask? I figured :D

<3 maybe I'll be more coherent soon.

Once again.

The moon shone down

Illuminated only shadows,

the shapes of who we were

You could not see my eyes

You would never realize the tears I shed that night

Your lips grazed my forehead, as the wind brushes past your cheek

A sudden dark abyss

I lost you once and I would lose you again

GO

With no warning,

only the sense of utter chaos,

my feet pounded the dirt trodden road

In escape finding redemption

STOP

The moon illuminates the clearing

an open circle polluted with whispering memories

poems brushed by my ears, as though I were a willow tree,

Wrote of words that you spoke

strung together by haunting horn

Every sworn promise, every story told

Every moment captured.

GO

Forward under the silver-gold moon

the figures of fog dance

rotating, expanding condensing

in time to your own words

until frustration screams out

everything broken

STOP

the moon illuminates the figure

moving towards my collapsed form

outstretched hand offering a simple promise

a partner to dance with,

a partner to create new stories

until night ends once more

a cool breeze where your lips once were

GO

I will repair what has been broken

pick up the pieces, plant them as though they were wildflowers

the clearing will no longer be a graveyard for my memories

I will sew my own wounds closed,

wait for them to form their own scars, blend in with pale skin

blemished by years of waiting to see you alive once more.

STOP

GO

LIVE AGAIN

I Will Break Myself

I will break myself,
lay it all flat
an offering from years ago

I will break myself
mend the pieces I have
reshape and reform all

I will break myself
sew inch by inch
part by part until typicality reigns

I will break myself
to get you to notices
I am more than your flickering shadow

I will break myself
over and
over again

I will break myself,
because each piece, no matter the amount of times
I remold them,
will be the same pieces you have never noticed.
Each piece will always be men, and you
will never see me, no matter how hard I try

I am the shadow in your light
the steps behind you
I am every rush of adrenaline that wakes you as the clock ticks midnight
I am the risk you never took,
Your only regret

I will break myself as your heart will never break for me.

rawr

....

I am getting quite tired of not having someone to turn to.

When I'm getting sexiled from my room and all I want to do is to complain to someone who *at least pretends* to care about what I have to say and how I'm feeling. BUT i don't because I don't.

I'm complaining because im in that kinda mood.

Apparently some things never change

I cannot remember most of elementary school.
I've repressed the memories because they are to painful to remember, to call upon that time in my life is to ask myself to loose it all again.

High school was not a great time in my life. I never fit in, and I was surprisingly okay with that, however I figured that once we all graduated, some how people would stop being the assholes that they were in high school. However I was wrong. People who talked shit about me then are STILL talking shit about me now. It really shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but I honestly am so angry about the fact that people didn't grow up. Why I expected them to, I couldn't tell you, but the fact that even though I'm at one of the top colleges in the country having amazing experiences and actually making a difference I'm still being judged by the people I grew up with. It's heart breaking to know that "home" feels about as safe now as it did a year ago. I still feel rejected and hurt even though I know I shouldn't because these people don't matter to me, and never has, but still knowing that people STILL TALK ABOUT me cuts so much deeper than it should.

When you're made fun of you're whole life, and made to feel like you're never going to amount to anything, those insecurities tend to carry over for your whole life. Even when I found Smith and felt like i was finally coming home to people who accept me for who I, there were still insecurities and now knowing that people are still in this state of mind where they're talking shit about me 3 hours from where I am still hurts. . .

Fucking Perfect.

To me you will never be perfect.

This is my gift to you I believe, I will never except you to me more than you are. I know that things are going to be tough between us, that there will be nights when we can hardly stand to look at each other, but I can promise you that I will never see you as perfect and because of that I genuinely believe I will love you more. I don't expect you to be Prince Charming or to save me from myself, I will never expect you to be something more than you are. I love you for you, all that you are and if you can believe it, I love you for all you are not. I just want something real between us, something that means something, something that will last longer than frivolity. I think you are wonderful, lovely, special, amazing, awesome, I will refer to to you as "that amazing man I'm seeing" or "that's the man I want to spend my life with" or something to that affect. I love you not in spite of your faults but because of them. I would expect the same from you, we both know I am not nor will I ever be perfect. I should hope that you would love me unconditionally as I love you.

To me you will always be mine. <3

Groundings

Being on your own is a lot like flying a hot air balloon, you can very easily escape into the atmosphere and feel as though you are totally disconnected to the things that once kept you on the ground. While you cannot keep yourself grounded your whole life, you must eventually allow yourself to fly free, you must always remember that you need to touch down occasionally. To refuel, repair and re-chart your course.

Talking to my mom is a lot like that for me. Since I've been at school, we have become so much closer than we used to be, and for that I am so very thankful. My mom is one of the only people in the world that I can admit anything and everything to. Before tonight, it had been a while since I'd spoken to her, and I could already feel myself feeling out in the atmosphere. I spent almost 45 minutes discussing religion with my mom which is not something we often do, but it felt uncannily right tonight. It gave us both a chance to see that even though we come from two different generations, we still have the same views on religion and what it means.

Its nights like tonight that remind me honestly of who I am and what I am doing in my life, a chance for me to remember what was once important to me and even when I'm away that I can still live my life the way I need to. It is comforting to come to the realization that there is someone out there who can understand totally where I am coming from and how that relates to where I'm going. It is in my mother and work and what I see her do everyday that inspires me to be a greater person. My mother truly is my best friend and now that I'm growing up, I'm starting to understand our relationship even more. Who knows, maybe one day a book will come of it? All in All, my mother has always been and shall continue to be my inspiration.

For Christmas my mother gave me a bracelet that reads:
A mother and daughter share an everlasting bond.

I love you mom